CQC the alleged
“Care” (not) “Quality” (not) Commission (unnecessary bureaucracy yes) is now starting to allow its retarded
inspectors, all of whom will be failures in their chosen professions, out to create
mayhem er play to rise standards to their levels. They are ideally
equipped to bring their low standards and their huge chips on their shoulders
into the world of General Practice. We have commented previously on some of
their retarded activities but remember their leader is a social worker and the
leader before that suffers from Nicholson’s syndrome namely “it wasn’t me” and
I haven’t got enough fingers and toes to know what 1200 is.
some of our doctors travels around the UK and conversations with their
colleagues about CQC here is their version of the CQC’s perfect GP office.
The first thing
our doctors have picked up on from their conversations is that CQC inspectors
seem to like the idea of a “clean desk”. Easily done if you are the head of a
social services child protection unit for anything put into your in tray goes
straight into the bin and if someone follows up why nothing has happened after
they have done an urgent referral you let the piece of paper sit in your in
tray until the afternoon when having nothing better to do you put it into the
The exception is
on a Friday afternoon when in your panic to make sure nothing happens over the
weekend you ring the GP on call and try to dump and run with the one piece of
paper left in your bin which might be discovered over the weekend because there
is no confidential waste collection until Monday.
Now many in
medicine know the phrase that a clean desk is the sign of a sick mind so if the
retarded CQC inspectors insist that clean desks are de rigeur then our top tip is to invest in local industrial skip companies
shares for most GPs’ desks and book cases are weighed down with paper.
Of course CQC
retards will not understand how many of the pratocols they insist on have to be
printed off and instantly available for an urgent consult by a doctor for even
with their 6 toes and fingers per foot and hand CQC retards cannot image why a
desk would have any paper on it at all even if they insist the protocols be
there as their one sheet of paper a day clean desk is so easy to create (except
on Friday afternoons).
The next piece
of CQC retardation is that all pieces of paper on a “clean desk” should be
“laminated”. DoH? Why?
retard CQC GP inspectors feel that all items on a clean desk should be able to
be wiped clean. No doubt the CQC morons have countless cases from their reading
of (looking at the pictures in) the Journal
of Abnormal Proctology as to how a piece of paper that sat on a desk for 2 minutes
somehow got converted into a paper roll and was inserted into a someone’s lower
GI tract causing fatal peritonitis which could have been so easily prevented if
it had been laminated and wiped clean (prior to insertion). Hmm. No doubt this
case of unlaminated paper acquired infection from a non clean desk would have
been told to your average CQC inspector by a close friend whom they would have
Now consider your
average GPs consulting room with its “clean desk”at the start of the morning
and try thinking what might happen next. Are you sitting comfortably children
shall we begin with the story of a CQC inspectors GP desk?
First off any
insurance reports, DSS reports, requests for information, messages, lab
results, please ring patient etc. etc. collected by staff the afternoon before
will be placed on the GP’s desk for their early morning reading. Of course all
of these will now have to be laminated beforehand so an “inspector” will no
doubt be able to “recommend” a (friend’s)
lamination company so that the GP’s “clean desk” is only ever covered by
laminated paper. No such poorly paid, thick CQC inspector will ever have a
financial interest here only one of “quality care” of paper (not patients).
their desk and wiped each piece of laminated paper with an antiseptic wipe the
GP starts to work and sees his first CQC laminated patient “CQC protected for our convenience” in case the filthy grumpy
doctor has to touch the patient or as all GPs do throw up, urinate or have
diarrhea on their patients.
At the end of
the consultation the first of the morning the GP in between putting golf balls
notices that the CQC laminated patient is a little blue and so using his CQC
inspector recommended “Lamo Cutter”
allows the patient to breath by opening the lamination but not before forcing
15 bottles of alcohol rub into the laminated bag to avoid any chance of GP
acquired infection (as per CQC inspector
recommendations on infection control and recommendation of good quality alcohol
rub at reasonable prices from another friend).
The GP then goes
to print a prescription only to find out that there is no paper in the printer.
On their former desk there used to be a pile of blank prescription paper ready
to reload any printer if it became empty in a matter of seconds. CQC morons do
not allow this and if you have seen the scene in the film Zulu Dawn when the
British are being overwhelmed and the Quartermaster is rationing the ammunition
you will know where CQC is coming from here.
So the pile of
prescriptions, because it is paper, now has to have each piece of paper
laminated (for your inconvenience) before
it is allowed on to a desk. So the GP now unpacks each laminated prescription
before inserting it into their printer. The prescription will then be printed
but before it can sit on a GP’s clean desk it will of course have to be
laminated in case it needs a quick wipe (can’t
be too careful comrades). Prescriptions need signing so the lamination will
have to be opened, the prescription signed and relaminated as it will be on a
clean desk before handing to the patient. As 90% of patients in England don’t
pay for their prescriptions they will at some point have to open the laminated
prescription to get their drugs for free.
This should be
good fun for all the elderly, people with arthritis etc. at the chemist and so
environmentally friendly. Instead of supermarket plastic bags littering up the
countryside there will be loads of empty laminated casings discarded by GPs and
the public. We are sure that a lamination tax will then be levied to be paid by
the evil rich GPs who insisted on laminating everything according to a Mr. J.
Hunt of Westminster.
Remember GPs on
their CQC “clean desks” also do on call which means that when they finish a
consultation they may have an influx of non CQC pure individuals called
receptionists, nurses, etc. all of whom may present messages, ECGs, urgent lab
results etc. on paper.
All of these will
now need laminating before hitting the clean GP’s desk and if a signature is
required repeat as above. GPs also receive phone calls and often have post it
notes on to which to record information and you can see where this retarded
notion is going very quickly.
Still if you are
a CQC inspector you cannot be too careful with the non paying publics’ right to
protection from high risk infectious pieces of paper. We wonder where the
scientific evidence base for this retarded piece of moronic crap came from? How
many life threatening cases of infection in the last hundred years have been
recorded as being due to germs leaping off a piece of paper sitting on a
doctor’s desk which hadn’t been wiped?
If anyone from
CQC has the answer then please ring our free phone number 09845 THICK and leave
a message and like the social worker in charge of this moronocracy we won’t get
back to you.
Praise be to the
Party for giving us CQC inspections by morons who should all be laminated and
sunk in the Marianus trench to avoid any public contamination by moronic
jobsworths. What will they think of next?
Contact Northern Doc:
Northern Doc was once a blog originally written by a group of GPs in Northernshire and expressed their experiences and frustrations of working in today's NHS. The pieces were compiled at social meetings after work and published anonymously in a once free society. Following the Government's Medical Council clamp down on freedom of thought, speech and expression by doctors and our belief that the views of a few doctors DO NOT represent the views of the profession as a whole their views will now be written by and published by a journalist who has previously contributed to the blog by virtue of social ties. Any inference that the word Doc means a doctor is now purely coincidental. This is as of the 22 April 2013.