NHS email requests during winter “crisis” and their link to a load of male anatomy.

Your average NHS manager is thick. When we talk about thick we are talking bottom of the pile. At best they may have struggled to get into the bottom third of the UK comprehensive education system and managed at best to get a CSE but most did not. Hence they arrived in NHS management.

Certain areas of NHS managers are full of those from educational sink estates but they now call themselves “world-class” commissioning PCTs and even those in Government wonder why they are so good not realising that self awarded Soviet style accolades for managers who fail are not those being rewarded for success but for gross incompetence. See how good, or bad your local PCT is here.

Winter sometimes happens in the UK and it gets cold, there is snow and ice and disruption occurs. As a result NHS managers cannot cope but that is normal for them.

If you have a huge amount of snow and cannot get into work then equally patients may have the same problem. Most NHS GP consultations involve self-limiting illness. In other words it will get better if you do absolutely NOTHING.

So amazingly surgeries do not actually have to be open most of the time to deal with the occasional REAL ILLNESS. Medical students are always amazed at how little real illness they see in general practice and nearly always say at some point when they are with us “I would NEVER go and see my GP with THAT! (minor self limiting disease)”.

NHS retard managers, and we have to apologize to those at the Northernshire Soviet where every PCT employee has either a Havard or a Yale MBA they are that good, do not understand winter.

They struggle with the days of the week and what the time is. The concept of the big and little hand and telling the time as well doing adds and take aways severely taxes them. Add some cooled precipitation of water and this barely understood by them concept of snow freezes their primitive neuronal systems and sends them into retardation meltdown.

From going to a few meetings as well as work, despite the snow, we have come across various examples of how low the thickest in UK society will get. Consider some of these requests by local NHS managers we have heard of from our colleagues around Northernshire which we have altered slightly:

Comrade GP you have had to shut because you have been unable to move because of the snow. We would suggest that you arrange extra weekend surgeries to make up for your loss of business activities during the bad weather.

Comrade GPs the seasonal festivities fall upon a designated weekend and there is a public holiday. As a result we feel there will be a drop in the provision of allocatable slots for the provision of world-class PCT provided healthcare over the holiday weekend. We would suggest that you as a primary business provider open your surgery on both Christmas and Boxing days to alleviate demand anticipated over the longer than usual holiday period.

Comrade GPs there are a lot of coughs and colds at this time of year and there is a huge stock of unused antiviral medication. Please consider chucking bad money away and using this useless medicine on the off chance someone may actually have a real case of influenza.

Comrade GPs in order to test the success of our Prepared for Winter Strategic Plan 2009/10, the Winter Robustness and Resilience Strategic Planning Commissariat require the completion of this 120 page questionnaire in triplicate and its return to us by 15.00 on the 24/12/10 for urgent analysis. A 300 page document on what information is required is attached for you to print off and use to facilitate your completion of this. (Received late on Friday 18/12/10 afternoon).

Of course comrade GP we will provide the same level of PCT business support to our contractors in terms of full operational support including IT during our normal business hours of 10.00 –1500 Mon to Thurs, 10.00-12.00 Fri excluding ALL bank holidays and weekends in keeping with our world-class status so you need not feel alone in your struggle to keep people well during these extra voluntary bad weather and holiday sessions.

We would like to say a lot of very naughty grunt words to the idiot authors of these suggestions mostly of the two word variety ending in off but for the more articulate we would add “and die”.

These are people employed at the public’s expense who clearly know nothing. They are thick beyond belief and worse still are getting paid to do sweet FA. They have never worked in general practice and do not understand what usually happens in general practice when there is heavy snow and no-one can move.

If you, as a GP and your staff, cannot get to surgery neither can most patients and so there is usually a huge no show for surgeries. As roads start to clear then people start to venture out and surgeries for a day or so may not operate at anything near full capacity. For a couple of days after this slack period when movement becomes almost back to normal then surgeries may be busier than normal then things go back to normal.

There is usually no need for “extra” surgeries as the perceived need for them does not exist in the real world. This happens every time there is snow and travel disruption and has done so for all the years we have worked in general practice.

Those of us who are mobile go into work. If cars are not running people turn to other means of transport and will struggle to get in even if the journey takes 4 times longer than usual. So most surgeries in Northernshire are open albeit with reduced capacity but then there is usually reduced demand.

Hardly rocket science unless you work at a PCT

Praise be to the Party for making sure that those of us not bright enough to be NHS managers went to medical school.

If we had not, would the next email we send be to all comrade GPs and their staff who cannot get into work be:

Due to the snow all GPs and their staff who are unable to get to work should now make their way to PCT Central to be redeployed to other surgeries or to road clearing operations. If you do not you will be forced to take the time off as voluntary annual leave.

And how do we get there? DoH.