Now whenever you
join a new "gang" as a NewbieCom (new GP commissioner) there is
inevitably a steep learning curve which involves a trip to the ghetto to learn
the new gang's language. There is also an induction process whereby all those
thick kids at school who took the p*ss out of the boffs now have to tell the
boffs how to do things properly (not).
The learning of
a new language is hard and the term OD which to most doctors means overdose is
now used for those of us NewbieComs to mean Organizational Development. We prefer
the term institutionalized retardation.
Well girlfriends
one of our first sorties into the murky world of clinical commissioning as
NewbieComs was an eye opener for those fashionistas among us here at ND
Central. We who would normally strut our stuff in a shade of green off set with
a subtle hint of max factor face blackening blush were astounded at how much
time the fastionistas in the local Soviet spent talking about CQUINs, darlings.
Don't know what
CQUINs are darlings?
Of course not
girlfriends you are mere GPs (as are we) and patients who pay for the
health service so you don't need to know about these pretty, pretty sparkly
things that cost you all so dear. And CQUINS are one of many of those many
'brevs (abbreviations) which those into NHS retardation have to work so
hard to impress us with so pump those 'brevs hard girlfriends and work 'em
ladies.
CQUINs stand for
Commissioning for QUality and INnovation.
Until the
NewbieComs read what the CQUINS were and dared to ask questions. The detail was
hidden behind the briefing paper but doctors are used to reading huge quantities
of information quickly and extracting useful data and using it quickly
particularly when they see through the bull they are being bored with.
NHS manager do
the reverse they produce huge quantities of information and hide behind it
thinking that those thicker than they will be put off by a huge pile of dung.
We NewbieComs
noted that half a million pounds had been spent to prevent a very common
complication of a very common hospital procedure. We noted that what had been
agreed between the local tractor plant and the local Soviet and signed off
meant that the local tractor plant got paid to prevent this complication but
managed to exclude every procedure that actually caused it via a pretty, pretty
sparkly CQUIN.
Remember dear
reader that those who work in PCT land are in the bottom third of the UK
comprehensive system while those in hospital administration are slightly
brighter than that, but only just.
The NewbieComs,
after their speed read of detail that would have taken years to produce, dared
to ask in a scene reminiscent of Oliver Twist where Twist asks for more, why in
the agreement had the local Soviet agreed to exclude every procedure that could
ever had led to this complication with the local tractor plant?
There was a
stunned silence as those in the remedial class realized that they had been
done, to use a Northernshire expression, which means to have been found out by
the teacher. Various excuses followed like the dog ate my homework, I left it
on the bus followed by there was "clinical involvement" honest guv so
it can't be our fault can it?
The NewbieComs
asked what "clinical" involvement was involved knowing full well it
would have been a 20 stone 5 foot HCA whose sickness absence would have greatly
exceed your average firefighter's days at work in the last 6 months and who
would always appear to be the only worker in a BBC documentary on acute health
care showing them serving numerous cups of tea and advising consultants on
heart valve replacements and liver transplants dressed in scrubs.
Only someone
that qualified would have been available to those in the local Soviet to
provide "clinical involvement" for they would never ever have done
the procedure involved in the shiny CQUIN.
CQUINs pretty,
pretty useless things costing a fortunate and delivering sweet FA. What is
worse with CQUINs is that after the first year where the local tractor plant
gets paid for the work they don't do, the next year the pretty, pretty CQUIN
gets written into the contract at no extra cost to the local Soviet. So in
essence pay lots of money for nothing to improve nothing and get nothing in the
following years and the tractor plant is laughing all the way to the bank.
The dark Lord is still in control as are his very thick storm troopers. More Staffords vicar?
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