NHS Rangers lead the way - the War on MRSA #6.

Listen up soldier here is another piece of medical (not) excellence to share with the world. The NHS Ranger Corps has been so busy with the swine flu pandemic that they have produced a booklet.

This, however, soldier has not distracted them from their ongoing war on MRSA.

Beat MRSA by getting GP practices to sign up to a “Clean Your Hands” campaign. Click a mouse to sign up to display a few posters and get the sucker GPs to buy loads of Grog (this blog post 2 Dec 2008 for more on Grog) at their expense and install Grog dispensers and hey MRSA in the community wiped out overnight.

Of course the Thickerazzi that thought of this forget that 60% of man and 40% of women do not wash their hands after going to the toilet or wash their hands after nose picking which are well known Party approved MRSA free zones.

However, the Public do put their hands on door handles in surgeries, shake their GPs and nurses hands, allow their children to trash surgeries and play with toys, touch screens to announce their presence, cough splutter, pee, sh*t and shoot up in GP and A&E toilets all of which are MRSA free zones like the patients themselves.

By focusing the attention of the staff on washing their hand with “spot inspections” and “hand washing audits” this will hopefully distract the public away from:

hospital overcrowding'

no isolation facilities,

no hands on nursing care,

hotbedding (the process where a patient dies and the next patient goes straight into the same bed without proper cleaning to avoid trolley waits),

a huge shortage of beds

and all the other factors that actually spread MRSA and other diseases.

During several recent attendances at outpatient clinics and hospital wards we have only ever seen one person called a visitor use the Grog dispenser so showing that the Public are not the source of MRSA which we know as only doctors and nurses carry it as they are the only ones who use the bottles of Grog.

Lead on NHS Rangers!

MRSA cured by NHS managers who live in the real world where if tea is late by 10 minutes it is an EMERGENCY.

However, if the mouse has been clicked, and all the boxes ticked, all is well in the world of the elite NHS Ranger Corp. Clean Your Hands will save the world (when all the boxes are ticked).

Praise be to the Party and its elite Ranger Corps.

What will they “think” of next . . . ?

NHS Rangers lead the way - the War on MRSA #4

Another great idea that the NHS Rangers have come up with is that if MRSA cannot see patients it cannot fly through the air to infect them (all NHS Rangers know about the stealth flying mode of NHS MRSA transmission as it guides all their policies). The NHS Rangers corps has therefore copied another tactic from the military to prevent MRSA being able to see patients called the smoke screen.

This simple technique is being employed at the front line of all NHS hospitals nationwide. Furthermore it is a free service and a credit to the British people as any foreigner who enters a NHS hospital has to cross this defensive line before gaining access (to free healthcare) and to the MRSA free ward area that lurk behind this NHS smokescreen.

As well as the defensive smoke screen the NHS Rangers, mindful of the environment impact of discarded smoke grenades, utilize the dog ends that are so full of carcinogens that the MRSA on the hands of smokers will never be trampled into the hospital on their feet and so the “smoke screen” tactic helps defeat MRSA in a pincer manoeuvre so beloved of NHS modern matrons while eating chocolate eclairs.

Furthermore in addition to adopting an outside in approach to defeating MRSA the Party also utilize an inside out approach and engage, at no cost to themselves, the patients who are free of MRSA to contribute to this hugely successful smoke screen.

NHS Rangers lead the way.

Branson states the bleeding obvious

BBC News has reported that Sir Richard Branson has told the government how to cure the MRSA crisis. Once again it is the staff who are the sole source of this infection and they should be screened and if found to be carriers be treated although not sent home.

Funny how 20 years ago we used to do that and send people home until they were clear but then that became too expensive.

What can one say but stating the bloody obvious is now headline news. And it has taken how long for this to surface? Perhaps Sir Richard has a degree of medical knowledge closer to him then those at the Department of Health?

Praise be to the Party and its manager for winning the war on MRSA.

NHS Rangers lead the Way # 3 MRSA to be defeated in Scotland

In the far North of Northernshire there is a minor province that thinks it is a country. It has the right to determine certain aspects of its own fate and also the god given right to screw up the rest of the UK’s fate as its MPs are allowed to vote on English issues but the reverse does not apply. It has also given us Gord the Holy (beyond all others than Mugabe) a fine product of their limited education system.

While out driving ND did hear that staff in this minor province are to face the sack for not washing their hands.

Praise be to the Party for this. We now know that Scotland will be free of hospital acquired infection for the Party there have realized that the only source of hospital acquired infection is the staff. Not the patients or their bowels or their skin. Not their clothing or their coughs or noses or faeces or urine. Not the visitors and anything brought in from outside. No the root cause of ALL hospital infection is the staff.

This is clearly the state of knowledge at both Party Central UK and Party Central Scotland.

Given that 60% of men and 40% of women do not wash their hands after going to the toilet then sacking staff for not washing their hands will surely rid hospitals of all infection. Remember that all of those non handwashers will touch a door handle or something else while visiting a hospital that you as a patient or visitor may then touch. You will have nothing to fear from these people as they are free from disease it is only hospital staff that carry disease.

According to the BBC, whom some do regard as a Party organ, a spokesman for the Scottish Health Secretary said “The Scottish Government is to introduce a “zero tolerance” regime on hand hygiene for hospital staff in January”.

Does that mean that Scotland will be the first place in the United Kingdom to ban hand washing completely?

The link is hereif you are interested:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/7794479.stm

Once again the NHS Ranger Corps (Scotland) show us how to lead onto victory. By concentrating on the minor skirmishes which will achieve nothing bar a sound bite they miss what should be the main thrust on the war on hospital acquired infections, the root cause – themselves and their policies.

Praise be to the Northern Rangers.

NHS Rangers lead the Way - the War on MRSA #2

Another great tactic in the war on MRSA is copied from the Royal Navy but applied in disguise.

Grog was a mixture of rum and water issued on a daily basis to the Royal Navy for many years in order to improve sailors’ health and wellbeing.

For some unknown reason for centuries NHS staff have never washed their hands especially those who walk from the dissecting rooms and into the New Labour ward and so in an effort to encourage them to do so the NHS Ranger corps has placed Grog bottles at the bottom of every bed and at the entrances to wards and even attached them to nursing staff in devices called hip flasks.

This contains an alcoholic mixture of up to 20 % by volume which some patients find a very good source of free alcohol especially if you can get a 350ml bottle. Patients do not see the hygiene advantages of Grog but due to a trick of hospital fluorescent light will often see the 3 bottles of Grog on the left as something else (the 3 bottles on the right) in the above picture.

Grog is often placed in dispensers at the entrance to wards called optics (pictured bottom left) commonly seen behind bars in pubs (pictured bottom right for non UK readers) where the public avidly approach them to obtain relief from their worldly worries but in hospitals they are frequently ignored by visitors or empty due to theft as they do not look the same as the ones in pubs.

Grog - winning the war on MRSA and a lot more expensive than soap and water and hand washing.

Lead on NHS Rangers.

PS if you see the 3 bottles on the left the same as the ones on the right you may need help so please ring NHS Direct for urgent assistance but they cannot provide Grog (or medical care).

A public health message for our reader from the NHS Ranger corps.

NHS Rangers leading the way - the War on MRSA #1.

NothernDoc starts with this earth sh*ttering idea from one of the most renown leading “teaching hospitals foundation trusts” in Northshire.

To stop MRSA it is simple . . . .

Get your staff, all 3000 of them, to sign for the fact that “they can wash their hands”.

Brilliant Simple Cheap Ineffective almost scientific who needs Einstein just a Modern Matron, a few managers and an infection control committee.

Imagine if as a consultant surgeon (old school of training) you have done 5 years of medical school, a year as a house officer, up to 4 years as a senior house officer, 4 years as a registrar, 4 years as a senior registrar possibly a post graduate degree as well as passing the Fellow College of Royal Surgeons (FRCS) exam and oh yes during this minimum of 18 years of training you might just have had to scrub up at least once to go into an operating theatre on the odd occasion.

What a brilliant idea! MRSA cured in a stroke.

Some more pieces of revolutionary health care coming soon in the NHS management drive for more paper not patient initiatives (paper is after all cheaper than patients):

I can wipe my own bottom
I can do my own bra strap/fly up
I can print X for my signature
I can flush a toilet

5 simple cheap ideas at 3000 pieces of paper per idea = MRSA defeated with 30 reams of paper in one Trust alone.

Rangers lead on to victory.