Monday, 3 June 2013

NHS 111 the truth - it is crap.

There has been a lot of adverse publicity reagarding NHS 111 which those doctors we meet on a social basis have had a few concerns about and in the once free world of medicine are prohibited from expressing their concerns by two bald headed men one the head of the NHS who chooses not to support whistle blowers the other at the GMC who enjoys the same priviledges as a journalist but chooses to deny the priviledges he enjoys to doctors in order to support the Party.

The Party’s latest “improvement” to the UK's healthcare system is something called NHS 111 or as the docs at ND Central call it NHS dumb dumb dumb. This is the bastard spawn of the hugely discredited NHS (re)Direct where a politician thought that a call centre could reduce A&E attendances and GP attendances by employing nurses away from Stafford hospitals and putting them in call centres to care for their patients in a hands on a phone manner using a computer algorithm.

Having failed spectacularly the politikal retards decided to try the next best thing to sudo professional healthcare and develop NHS dumb dumb dumb where instead of mploying people who may once have had ahnds on healthcare experience you now employ those who have no real time healthcare experience or a 6 week training course to become a nurse and dokter. The course we are sure will be a virtual course in terms of healthcare in the same way that the aforementioned baldies have only had virtual experience of NHS hands on patient care and so are xberts.

So what follows is what the medical team at ND Central have been receiving for weeks from NHS dumb dumb dumb. Have a read and see if you can work out what the patient problem is that NHS dumb dumb dumb has identified.

And then look at and marvel at what NHS dumb dumb dumb has done with the patient. When you have read several weeks of these “urgent” calls you realize that you may as well be open all the time and let anyone who thinks they might be ill in and by pass NHS dumb dumb dumb.

So we reproduce the text from a typical NHS dumb dumb dumb consult bold = NHS dumb dumb dumb text anything in brackets are the team’s comments:

Pathways Notes:

An injury or health problem was the reason for the contact.
(Really? We thought they wanted a take away.)

The individual was breathing and conscious at the time of the assessment.
(Always useful if you are making a phone call for healthcare. Could you do so otherwise?)

The individual was not fighting for breath.
(Given the waiting times reported a good thing.)

A heart attack, chest/upper back pain, probable stroke, recent fit/seizure or suicide attempt was not the main reason for the assessment.
 (If you were used to ringing the GP out of hours service for such things then the fact that the Party now deverts your call for out of hours GP assistance to NHS dumb dumb dumb means that this could well be the reason for an assessment by a dumb dumb dumb dullard which you clearly are not going to get.)

The main reason for assessment was not new confusion, declared diabetic hypo/hyperglycaemia proable allergic reaction or successful rescusitation.
(Could not expect a dullard to deal with any of these.)

Pathway selected: XXXX
(Insert none medically trained best guess diagnosis here which determines what follow next.)

There was no associated chest pain.
(Did dullard notice the word chest pain above?)

The individual had not experienced aching pain associated with exercise or emotion.
(Well we are reading this pile of retarded shite and are experiencing pain should we dial dumb dumb dumb?)

There was new or worsening breathlessness since the onset of the problem.
(Most patients having got this far will probably being experiencing this for they have thus far had moron healthcare and see above too.)

There was no gradually increasing breathlessness over the previous 6 hours.
Severe illness and a rash suggestive of septicaemia were not described.
(Or seen or looked for over the phone so that is alright.)

Severe illness and inability to flex neck or photophobia were not described.
There ws no new or worsening confusion.
There was a fever at the time of assessment or within the previous 12 hours.
(Goddam NHS dumb dumb dumb is so much better than GPs they can take temperatures over the phone and for the previous 12 hours too.)

There was no severe oropharnygeal ulceration.
(Those phone cameras are so good they will be doing MRIs over the phone next.)

A muffled voice or difficulty opening the mouth could not be confirmed.
(Amazing that NHS dumb dumb dumb are employing deaf people to man their phones.)

And now the bit you have all be waiting for as GPs the finale which has been the same for virtually all calls to NHS dumb dumb dumb:

Instructions given were:

The individual needs to speak to the GP practice
(that they had rung in the first place) within1 (or 2 it’s an either or thing) hours. If the practice is not open (which is when the patient rang to speak to the normal GP out of hours service) within this period they need to speak to the out of hours service (whom the patient rang in the first place you chuffing moron).

Advice given:

Fever worsening.

(Really that is useful.)

Pathways Final Deposition:
The individual needs to speak to the GP practice within 1 (or 2) hours. If the practice is not open within this period they will need to speak to the out of hours service.

Message to surgery:


Use of above to surgery?

None. Just a waste of doctors’ time and their fax paper.

And we hear that they are thinking of redesigning their little missives presumably to improve their clients’ experience of reading them?

Bet that will all be the GPs' fault in the first place won’t it?

Praise be to the Party for employing people who have never worked in healthcare to improve it. They have all done so very well haven’t they?