Saturday, 28 March 2015


One of the most important qualifications to be a GP is the ability to be psychic. Take some of the following examples of consults provided by our doctors:

GP: What is the problem? 

Punter: I don’t know you tell me. YOU are the doctor? Boom, boom!

The vet is trained to deal with dumb animals which as a doctors we cannot legally treat, next.

GP: What drugs did the hospital/out of ours service/your friend give you in this morning’s early hours? 

Punter: I don’t know it is on you system . . . 

GP: We have no record of this. 

Punter: . . . er they were from my previous GP 

GP: Who was that? 

Punter: I don’t know is it not on your system? 

And so on examples of the NHS total brainectomy that is performed the minute a patient walks into any GP’s surgery which is instantly reversed when the patient leaves and suddenly suffers Total Recall after they light their first fag after the unbearable agony imposed by the Party of not being able to smoke in public buildings.

The second thing they do after their relief, and getting their brain back from the NHS, is answer their friend who phoned them as they sat down in the consultation to ask “what has the doctor said?” They then tell their friend that “the doctor was crap because they knew nuffink about me even though I told them all about what was wrong with me and what drugs I were taking. They didn’t listen to a word that I told them . . .”

Now that is your average punter but there are others that are even worse take the insurance industry.

The insurance industry, unlike the NHS, exists to make money and in order to do so employs intelligent people to try and predict using historical data and complex maths the likelihood of a Russian Mig 15 dropping on a shed in Slough stuffed full of mustard gas kept by great granddad from WW1 just in case Napolean invades England while he was on the toilet and then estimate how much this likely event would cost them.

They use this information to calculate premiums which must generate a profit and cover the cost of any potential claims. Despite this fiscal accuracy when it comes to helping themselves to your money they too expect GPs to be psychics.

They provide forms with questions similar to these time and time again:

At the time that the insurance was purchased what was the state of health of your patient?

At the time that the holiday was booked what was the state of health of your patient?

This is like asking a GP when did your patient last have a dump? Clearly you average Northernshire GP would have been in the patient’s bathroom at the time and most importantly documented this fact contemporaneously for each and every patient such is their interest in their patients’ well being and dedication. Others might view such dedication in a slightly different light which is why most GPs don’t keep such tabs on their patients to this extent.

Clearly most if not all GPs missed the lecture at medical school which said that as part of taking a medical history IT IS MANDATORY that you must always ask of a patient:

When did they last purchase holiday insurance?


When did they last book a holiday? 

Can anyone guess what the patient’s answer will be to the insurance industry’s questions?

Praise be to the Party for creating holiday insurance an industry which knows the answers to some of the questions on the forms they send out to GPs but presumably for reasons of confidentiality or data protection don’t put the answers on these forms.

So if they get an answer on their forms saying “don’t know it’s on your system” you will now know why. GPs are not psychic and deal with plenty of other time wasters every day.

Saturday, 7 March 2015

The idiots just don’t get it do they?

One of the doctor’s magazines here in the UK are reporting the next great idea from the UK’s National Respository for Morons known as National Health Service England (NHS England or NHSE) that all GP practices should open on Easter Saturday as part of NHSE’s “resilience” plans otherwise known as jokes.

For those who like to read twaddle here is the letter in full but you will need a dictionary of NHS management speak to fully appreciate it and keep a straight face while doing so.

Now which ever genius thought this up will never have ever worked in healthcare. Prior to the 2004 new General Medical Services (nGMS) contract general practice used to open on Saturday mornings and do you think that this meant that Saturday morning surgeries were:

a) packed to the gunnels with patients wanting to be seen with acute life threatening illness that could not be dealt with during the working week


b) were most people in the UK after a hard Friday night at it recouperating at home and letting their livers take the strain?

Were these surgeries busier or quieter on Bank Holiday weekends? Go on have a guess.

You do not have to be a rocket scienctist to work out which of the above two options the Great British public were doing for they used to be long quiet mornings spent doing paperwork sometimes puncturated by 2 or 3 patients coming for repeat prescriptions to break the monotony.

We have even heard of some recent initiatives that tried the same idea to try and ease A&E pressures over the winter with the same result. Surgeries were empty and A&E was full.

And further down the article (or the letter) it suggests “NHS 111 staffing increases to cope with potential surges in demand”.


So NHS England suggests increasing NHS 111 staff to cope with potential surges in demand which will result in an increase of referrals to A&E and out of hours GPs? Would it not be better to give them the Bank Holiday off (and the rest of the millenium) to allow ambulance trusts, emergency departments and GP out of hours a breather?

Praise be to the Party for ensuring that no-one is too thick to be unemployed in the United Kingdom for there is always a job for you at NHS England. No experience of anything and no common sense is also useful.

Sunday, 1 March 2015

NHS productivity exceeds all targets for the better of patients.

All good Soviet run institutions like targets and just like the former USSR in the late 1970s used to boast of exceeding all grain production targets while conviently ignoring the fact that the USSR had to import grain from Canada and the USA to feed their population while fighting a war they lost in Afganistan the NHS is no different.

All NHS targets are of course met by the hard work of the politicians who define them and all those targets not met are by the failings of those who actually treat patients those idle people on the front line if you believe Party organs like the Daily Mail. 

Take NHS 111 (Dumb, Dumb, Dumb) a “service” which alone has contributed to a massive increase in tractor production of some 192% in its referrals to emergency departments from January to October 2013 when it was a mere 374,506 to January to October 2014 when its production of 3 wheeled tractors increased to 1,092,967 against a total number of A&E attendacnes of 21.7 million a massive 5% productivity gain comrades for a speciality that is struggling to recruit doctors and failing to meet its politically defined target. 

Furthermore comrades the efficiency gains of the great political idea of NHS Dumb, Dumb, Dumb are also reflected in a massive 186% increase in its referrals to primary and community care from a mere 2,844,452 to 8,138,863 in less than year against a mere 330 million a year GP consultations. 

The idle overpaid GPs will have no problems coping with a mere 2.5% increase in workload from just one source of retarded “technicians” with a mere 6 weeks training on a computer system whose output is like tossing a coin either see a GP or go to A&E. 

Further more comrades NHS Dumb, Dumb, Dumb have increased their turfing rate for in 2012 they managed to use self care for 48% of calls while in 2013/4 this was down to just 15%. NHS redirect only turfed 1 in 3 calls to GPs and A&E when it was around so a turf rate of 85% just shows how NHS efficiency gains are working so well.

Add to that a politically determined decrease in GP work force availability by politicians who have not a clue deciding to waste hours of GP and their staff’s time producing tractors that do not work called care plans, risk stratification and admission advoidance all of which has done sweet FA and meant that GPs and their staff do not see patients which has been as useful as a vicar standing up in Hiorshima saying God is Love as the first atomic bomb fell (other faiths and politicians are available to achieve the same end result).

Ask any GP or their staff today in practice how they would describe their workload today and they would probably use a very naughty grunt word like sh*t.

The Daily Mail says GPs are sh*t and have launched a do you wait more that 4 weeksfor an appointment hot line?

Of course in the same way that a decrease in GPs numbers and funding against an increase in demand is not news and neither is an increase in NHS Dumb, Dumb, Dumb referals to General Practices or A&E departments across the land the fact that the Swinton surgery once had 9 GPs but has dropped to 5 and cannot recruit replacements is not news and this is for one reason only.

In order to understand why a decrease in GPs while the number of patients remains the same could lead to an increase waiting time you might have to be able to do complex maffs called share bys.

Jounalists and NHS managers don’t do sums which is why those at NHS England say there was only an 86% rise in calls refered to GPs by NHS Dumb, Dumb, Dumb.  That was probably the number of fingers or cloven hooves present in the meeting on a Friday afternoon when they discussed this while trying to find someone who could switch on their abacus.

Praise be to the Party and its organs for highlighting the problem and completely missing the cause of it. Anyone got a mirror or more importantly know how to use it?