The A&E crisis and why you can’t get to see your GP for dummies (Secretaries of State for Health both now and in the future).

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Praise be to the Party for ensuring that whoever creates the problem never gets the blame and always wonders why others fail as a result of their policies.

CQC Watch – the CQC and the GP office.

CQC the alleged “Care” (not) “Quality” (not) Commission (unnecessary bureaucracy yes) is now starting to allow its retarded inspectors, all of whom will be failures in their chosen professions, out to create mayhem er play to rise standards to their levels. They are ideally equipped to bring their low standards and their huge chips on their shoulders into the world of General Practice. We have commented previously on some of their retarded activities but remember their leader is a social worker and the leader before that suffers from Nicholson’s syndrome namely “it wasn’t me” and I haven’t got enough fingers and toes to know what 1200 is.

So following some of our doctors travels around the UK and conversations with their colleagues about CQC here is their version of the CQC’s perfect GP office. 

The first thing our doctors have picked up on from their conversations is that CQC inspectors seem to like the idea of a “clean desk”. Easily done if you are the head of a social services child protection unit for anything put into your in tray goes straight into the bin and if someone follows up why nothing has happened after they have done an urgent referral you let the piece of paper sit in your in tray until the afternoon when having nothing better to do you put it into the bin.

The exception is on a Friday afternoon when in your panic to make sure nothing happens over the weekend you ring the GP on call and try to dump and run with the one piece of paper left in your bin which might be discovered over the weekend because there is no confidential waste collection until Monday.

Now many in medicine know the phrase that a clean desk is the sign of a sick mind so if the retarded CQC inspectors insist that clean desks are de rigeur then our top tip is to invest in local industrial skip companies shares for most GPs’ desks and book cases are weighed down with paper.

Of course CQC retards will not understand how many of the pratocols they insist on have to be printed off and instantly available for an urgent consult by a doctor for even with their 6 toes and fingers per foot and hand CQC retards cannot image why a desk would have any paper on it at all even if they insist the protocols be there as their one sheet of paper a day clean desk is so easy to create (except on Friday afternoons).

The next piece of CQC retardation is that all pieces of paper on a “clean desk” should be “laminated”. DoH? Why?

Well, comrade, retard CQC GP inspectors feel that all items on a clean desk should be able to be wiped clean. No doubt the CQC morons have countless cases from their reading of (looking at the pictures in) the Journal of Abnormal Proctology as to how a piece of paper that sat on a desk for 2 minutes somehow got converted into a paper roll and was inserted into a someone’s lower GI tract causing fatal peritonitis which could have been so easily prevented if it had been laminated and wiped clean (prior to insertion). Hmm. No doubt this case of unlaminated paper acquired infection from a non clean desk would have been told to your average CQC inspector by a close friend whom they would have believed.

Now consider your average GPs consulting room with its “clean desk”at the start of the morning and try thinking what might happen next. Are you sitting comfortably children shall we begin with the story of a CQC inspectors GP desk?

First off any insurance reports, DSS reports, requests for information, messages, lab results, please ring patient etc. etc. collected by staff the afternoon before will be placed on the GP’s desk for their early morning reading. Of course all of these will now have to be laminated beforehand so an “inspector” will no doubt be able to “recommend” a (friend’s) lamination company so that the GP’s “clean desk” is only ever covered by laminated paper. No such poorly paid, thick CQC inspector will ever have a financial interest here only one of “quality care” of paper (not patients). 

Having cleaned their desk and wiped each piece of laminated paper with an antiseptic wipe the GP starts to work and sees his first CQC laminated patient “CQC protected for our convenience” in case the filthy grumpy doctor has to touch the patient or as all GPs do throw up, urinate or have diarrhea on their patients.

At the end of the consultation the first of the morning the GP in between putting golf balls notices that the CQC laminated patient is a little blue and so using his CQC inspector recommended “Lamo Cutter” allows the patient to breath by opening the lamination but not before forcing 15 bottles of alcohol rub into the laminated bag to avoid any chance of GP acquired infection (as per CQC inspector recommendations on infection control and recommendation of good quality alcohol rub at reasonable prices from another friend). 

The GP then goes to print a prescription only to find out that there is no paper in the printer. On their former desk there used to be a pile of blank prescription paper ready to reload any printer if it became empty in a matter of seconds. CQC morons do not allow this and if you have seen the scene in the film Zulu Dawn when the British are being overwhelmed and the Quartermaster is rationing the ammunition you will know where CQC is coming from here.

So the pile of prescriptions, because it is paper, now has to have each piece of paper laminated (for your inconvenience) before it is allowed on to a desk. So the GP now unpacks each laminated prescription before inserting it into their printer. The prescription will then be printed but before it can sit on a GP’s clean desk it will of course have to be laminated in case it needs a quick wipe (can’t be too careful comrades). Prescriptions need signing so the lamination will have to be opened, the prescription signed and relaminated as it will be on a clean desk before handing to the patient. As 90% of patients in England don’t pay for their prescriptions they will at some point have to open the laminated prescription to get their drugs for free.

This should be good fun for all the elderly, people with arthritis etc. at the chemist and so environmentally friendly. Instead of supermarket plastic bags littering up the countryside there will be loads of empty laminated casings discarded by GPs and the public. We are sure that a lamination tax will then be levied to be paid by the evil rich GPs who insisted on laminating everything according to a Mr. J. Hunt of Westminster.

Remember GPs on their CQC “clean desks” also do on call which means that when they finish a consultation they may have an influx of non CQC pure individuals called receptionists, nurses, etc. all of whom may present messages, ECGs, urgent lab results etc. on paper.

All of these will now need laminating before hitting the clean GP’s desk and if a signature is required repeat as above. GPs also receive phone calls and often have post it notes on to which to record information and you can see where this retarded notion is going very quickly.

Still if you are a CQC inspector you cannot be too careful with the non paying publics’ right to protection from high risk infectious pieces of paper. We wonder where the scientific evidence base for this retarded piece of moronic crap came from? How many life threatening cases of infection in the last hundred years have been recorded as being due to germs leaping off a piece of paper sitting on a doctor’s desk which hadn’t been wiped?

If anyone from CQC has the answer then please ring our free phone number 09845 THICK and leave a message and like the social worker in charge of this moronocracy we won’t get back to you.

Praise be to the Party for giving us CQC inspections by morons who should all be laminated and sunk in the Marianus trench to avoid any public contamination by moronic jobsworths. What will they think of next?