“Quality” and money grabbing bast*rds.

The word “quality” as defined by the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary has many meanings. It can relate to both people and things but we shall use the meanings of excellence or superiority as in a “quality newspaper” as our benchmark for this little ramble. We appreciate that “quality also can be used sarcastically but we are simple folk up here in Northernshire and will stick with the excellence and superiority definitions in their literal sense.

Most, if not all, GPs we suspect are sick of hearing the word “quality” spouted by NHS mandarins for whenever it precedes anything medical it usually means that something which is really poor, time consuming and completely useless to anyone called a patient is coming our way to increase workload in order to tick someones’ box when a steel toe capped boot would do better placed in the same manager’s/politician’s “quality” box.

When used by anything NHS “quality” usually has the same meaning as the Late Modern English word “crap” or, in grunt speak, a word from a Mid Low German origin, and we are sorry for a couple of very naughty grunt expressions “sh*t” or its derivatives pile of s. or croak of s. both of which can be used with the c. word.

You can very quickly think of things with the Q word in the NHS just think QOF (Quality and Outcomes Framework) which is so excellent and superior that it isn’t working.

We are sure many readers will have their own little local Q word initiatives which like the Q-ships in WW1 were thought of as being a good idea at the time but which were superceded by better things than anyone at an average PCT could think of on a good day on a down hill run with wind assist ditto politicians.

Na Zu Labour’s endless persuit of Soviet style bureaucracy for the NHS led to the formation of the Care Quality Commission which like the Q-ships of old appears to be an innocent vessel striving to save others from harm and charged with maintaining standards but in fact like any poorly built tramp steamer is struggling to do its job and already cannot meet its own deadlines such is the quality behind it in terms of thinking and personnel.

Now where do the money grabbing bast*rds come in?

Well the CQC being a benevolent caring organization existing purely to serve the patient will happily relieve any GP practice (and others too) of £ 1500+ to be registered with it for you have no NHS “Choice”. Not registered can’t work, fail inspection cannot work well shafted whatever the outcome of any inspection cough up or else.

So this Q-ship is not charged with preventing harm it is in fact a source of harm and will no doubt shoot and hole many practices below the water line not with a ship terminating Exocet but with something far more deadly like you didn’t have gerbil wipes in your washroom (CQC “quality standard 57.997.47.1101.gerbil.9/11). Bear in mind that the captain of this Q-ship has much experience of being a U-boat, sorry hunting U-boats . . .

One of the members of the alleged listening exercise a once a week man aka part time GP called Professor Field has clearly embraced the market so much that he has given GPs the opportunity (to lose a few grand) to improve “Quality” via something called the Quality Practice Award (QPA).

Notice the little Q word at the front? Impressed are we?

Try googling “quality practice award” as we did as part of our research and see what, and who, else runs “Q” word practice awards and like the Royal College of GPs there are some excellent and superior organizations which put Northernshire’s Harvard and Yale MBAs to shame for not having put forward a Shiteton QPA of intergalactic quality.

We digress for the CQC are prepared to relieve practices of a mere £1500 (a year we believe) for registrartion and inspection by inspectors who we are sure will be our “equals” or betters in terms of qualifications and abilty for something which is a legal necessity and a nice little deficient balancer to boot for any Government in power. Can you imagine Pol Pot inspecting Harvard and Yale medical schools and what the outcome would be but remember we are talking NHS “quality”.

If you look in the small print of the Royal College’s Qboll*cks page, sorry about the offensive grunt speak the Q word slipped out by accident, here you will find out how much Professor Field and his back slapping government stooges would like to relieve their fellow hard working GPs actually on the real frontline, on a full time basis, as consultable GPs a few of whom are not members of the Royal Gentlemen’s club but do exactly the same work.

Have a look at the little red words on the first page (the italics are ours) which say that evidence obtained for certain QPA/mQPA (Version 14) may help providers demonstrate complainace with the Care Quality Commissions essential standards.

Have a look at how much quality has gone into the preparation of the web page and how “quality” means that the word United Kingdom is severely displaced by “quality” and the quality of the logo which looks like it was drawn by a nine year old. Or perhaps someone drunk hit the enter key more than needed? And note version 14 – does that mean someone got the quality not quite right 13 times before this one? We hear rumours that even version 14 is being redone.

We know of some commissioning groups (RCGP mafiosos) that are taking “may” to mean “will” meet CQC registration and thinking of imposing it on practices but the old expression caveat emptor applies. But if you are MRCGP you don’t do Latin or Windows when in collegiate mode for this usually involves real general practice avoidance aka commissioning.

For there is not just one RCGP QPA that might just get you QPC registration scam there are in fact two. Did you notice the subtle mQPA that you can take longer to get? And can you guess who devised this?

So yet another set of different Q words from different organizations but they all have two things in common. No quality and money grabbing bastards. One is the Party's the others are just advising them.

Praise be to the Party for using the Q word as freely as tinpot dictators award themselves medals and charging the punters for the privilege of wearing their baubles as well.

Now will those commissioning groups wanting the RCGP bauble be able to justify to their patients why they spent more than £ 3,900 on a Q word when £ 1500 was all that was legally required especially if the CQC don’t accept it and they still have to pay the government’s income generating lackey as well?

It appears that certain Royal colleges and their members don’t just shaft their trainees they are more than prepared to Qrap on their colleagues too.