Government to finally consult over IT matters?

A small piece in this week’s GP online caught our eye. Have a read and ask yourself is this a true government engagement with the profession (unlikely) or another variant of an alleged listening exercise now on “listening” (to cronies) exercise 2 the sequel? There is a bit more information here (even an app blog!) and here on Party websites that give a bit more spin. Can you spot the subtle play on words?

We could think of a few apps for any health minister to put on their smart phone in our attempt to improve the NHS and of course improve patient (and staff) well being the first is the:

Scrap Cab app.

If pressed this would stop all Choose and Book systems dead thus enabling referrals to make it to their intended targets and give patients real choice via the power of paper.

Health secretary Andrew Lansley said the campaign to develop new apps was a political gimmick to divert people’s attention away from something else is part of a drive to give patients better access to information that ‘will put them in control of their health’.

As well as submitting ideas for new health apps, professionals are also being asked to name their favourite exciting health application.

Perhaps if Mr Lansley asks his nice secretary when they have switched his computer on and before he plays his favourite computer game NHS Battleships to point out the Google app on it he will discover the app most patients already know about and use regularly that “put them in control of their health”.

We are sure there could be other apps that could benefit the NHS like:

The Waynetta Dullard app

will automatically block any 999 call for a broken nail and divert them to the emergency on call beautician.

The Holiday Emergency app

would automatically block any call to a GP from within 30 miles of an international airport when the caller says “I have just got back from holiday and need an emergency . . .”

The Find My Dealer app

Simply place your drug dealer’s mobile number into this and it will display a map showing their current location. If their phone is switched off or is located in any of Her Majesty’s prisons or police stations it will automatically look for any other willing provider or failing that your nearest GPs’ surgery or NHS Walk In centre.

The Are you alright? app.

Vital to ensure that you are always a worried well in peak shape this handy app asks you at least once a day (other options available you can’t be too careful) if you feel alright. If you answer yes nothing will happen but any other answer will randomly dial either NHS 911, NHS Direct, your GP or 999 to ensure that you get instant gratification for not feeling right.

iBoob Checker

This app will enable anyone worried about breast disease to consult instantly with a trained pervert professional who can in real time review images that might suggest disease. If need be a real time video consultation can be arranged and advise you how best to examine yourself via your phone’s camera. Images may be recorded and used for training or security purposes. (Other iCheckers are in development).

We really must start doing some real work but we are sure there are plenty of other ideas out there so you know where to send them. Click the link at the bottom left of this page to see what other "hot ideas" have been rolled out so far.

Praise be to the Party for once again thinking that technology is the answer and completely missing the point about what real healthcare is.