Tonsillitis.

A teacher once said that you have no bigger group of idle malevoent gossipers with nothing better to do and no purpose in life whatsoever than parents at the school gate. The teacher said that they could create a serial sex offender axe murderer out of a new born if they wanted to by the sheer power of disinformation. In the recent past we may have seen this in action.

Recently lots and lots of parents have been presenting their precious little Tarquins and Chantelles in their droves not with the usual “really” sore throat or being “really” poorly as they trash the toys in a wrestling match to subdue and destroy the defenceless toy but with what they think their child has namely tonsillitis.

Really Mrs Slob your years of non attendance at any educational establishment let alone a medical school do you proud as does your 20 stone 5 foot 2 physique reeking of cigerette smoke although we know you only ever smoke outside to protect Tarquin’s and Chantelle’s delicate collective 80 pack year lungs from anyone coughing close to them in case they catch summit really serious.

Now being doctors we do not usually accept patient diagnosis as gospel for if we did we would have seen over a thousand cases of Lassa fever this month alone we instead do the grunt school honoured thing of taking a history.

The history shows that when Tarquin and Chantelle are asked to point to their “really” sore throat due to tonsillitis they point to their lower neck to a structure called the trachea (windpipe) many inches below the tonsils and their pointing finger even extends further down to the bottom of their breastbone.

The history also revels the prescence of a clear discharge from a snotty nose, a painful dry cough and if one listens to Tarquin/Chantelle telling Tarquin/Chantelle to f***ing give me that f**king toy a very hoarse voice. Observation shows a non coughing child and examination reveals a normal set of tonsils and a completely normal sounding chest.

Sorry to disappoint you Mrs Slob you cannot have some antibiotics to send Tarquin or Chantelle back to school with their “tonsillitis” so you can watch Jeremy Kyle and go Christmas shopping with your healthy friend Rothman. You will have to look after them yourself.

And thank you for noticing that we too have “tonsillitis” in the form of a dry painful cough, hoarse voice, cold and temperature of 40 degrees centigrade which is why you found it difficult to hear us above you shouting at Tarquin and Chantelle to f**king shut up as you were at the doctors while on your mobile ordering your five a day pepperoni pizza and chips for tea.

Praise be to the Party for ensuring that every Yuletide they try it on and on and on. Could this be an NHS Abba special? Sound quality is as good as listening to the mobile phone conversation described above!