Psychics.

One of the most important qualifications to be a GP is the ability to be psychic. Take some of the following examples of consults provided by our doctors:

GP: What is the problem? 

Punter: I don’t know you tell me. YOU are the doctor? Boom, boom!

The vet is trained to deal with dumb animals which as a doctors we cannot legally treat, next.

GP: What drugs did the hospital/out of ours service/your friend give you in this morning’s early hours? 

Punter: I don’t know it is on you system . . . 

GP: We have no record of this. 

Punter: . . . er they were from my previous GP 

GP: Who was that? 

Punter: I don’t know is it not on your system? 

And so on examples of the NHS total brainectomy that is performed the minute a patient walks into any GP’s surgery which is instantly reversed when the patient leaves and suddenly suffers Total Recall after they light their first fag after the unbearable agony imposed by the Party of not being able to smoke in public buildings.

The second thing they do after their relief, and getting their brain back from the NHS, is answer their friend who phoned them as they sat down in the consultation to ask “what has the doctor said?” They then tell their friend that “the doctor was crap because they knew nuffink about me even though I told them all about what was wrong with me and what drugs I were taking. They didn’t listen to a word that I told them . . .”

Now that is your average punter but there are others that are even worse take the insurance industry.

The insurance industry, unlike the NHS, exists to make money and in order to do so employs intelligent people to try and predict using historical data and complex maths the likelihood of a Russian Mig 15 dropping on a shed in Slough stuffed full of mustard gas kept by great granddad from WW1 just in case Napolean invades England while he was on the toilet and then estimate how much this likely event would cost them.

They use this information to calculate premiums which must generate a profit and cover the cost of any potential claims. Despite this fiscal accuracy when it comes to helping themselves to your money they too expect GPs to be psychics.

They provide forms with questions similar to these time and time again:

At the time that the insurance was purchased what was the state of health of your patient?

At the time that the holiday was booked what was the state of health of your patient?

This is like asking a GP when did your patient last have a dump? Clearly you average Northernshire GP would have been in the patient’s bathroom at the time and most importantly documented this fact contemporaneously for each and every patient such is their interest in their patients’ well being and dedication. Others might view such dedication in a slightly different light which is why most GPs don’t keep such tabs on their patients to this extent.

Clearly most if not all GPs missed the lecture at medical school which said that as part of taking a medical history IT IS MANDATORY that you must always ask of a patient:

When did they last purchase holiday insurance?

and 

When did they last book a holiday? 

Can anyone guess what the patient’s answer will be to the insurance industry’s questions?

Praise be to the Party for creating holiday insurance an industry which knows the answers to some of the questions on the forms they send out to GPs but presumably for reasons of confidentiality or data protection don’t put the answers on these forms.

So if they get an answer on their forms saying “don’t know it’s on your system” you will now know why. GPs are not psychic and deal with plenty of other time wasters every day.