It’s Christmas time there is no need to be afraid . . .

In the same way that punters rush out at the last minute to buy totally unnecessary presents so do patients go to the NHS for totally unnecessary consultations the just in case something happens over the 4 day Christmas holiday when the NHS is totally shut down and there is no healthcare provided anywhere in the United Kingdom as Jeremy truly believes.

So from Monday the 21^st until the 23^rd the free at the point of abuse it is an emergency I need to be be seen now wasters have been demanding emergency appointments. But for some reason on Christmas Eve despite ND Central fielding a full team providing only book on the day appointments most were empty. Could it be that no one was ill or could it be that patients had better things to do than waste NHS time like buy gallons of alcohol and stock up on lard rich food to consume all at once over the next few days of the Christmas healthcare siege?

Christmas Day may be quiet but the deluge will come in the subsequent days.

So here is a guide to where to get urgent healthcare over the holiday period for those like Jeremy who believe the NHS will be shut all hours.

The Party would ideally like you to “consult” a pharmacist because there is an apparent glut of these. They have no medical training but regard themselves as “clinical” and it is claimed that they will be able to advise and treat you if you believe Party propaganda. We believe they have a 50/50 chance of getting a correct diagnosis but they can always sell you a bottle of totally useless cough medicine for a chesty or mucus cough whatever that means at a price which will profit them but do nothing for you. 

The Party would encourage you to ring NHS 111, or NHS dumb, dumb,dumb as some would call them, which is again like “tossing” a political coin based on the reports we get back form them. The vast majority of these reports give only 2 outcomes which are see a GP within a randomly generated number of hours or we will send an urgent ambulance. 

You used to be able to ring your surgery and then would be put through to an out of hours GP deputizing service but this was replaced by NHS dumb, dumb, dumb call handlers with 6 weeks of training and a computer algorithm which in 20 minutes on the phone can come up with the wrong diagnosis slower than a GP can get the right one in a 2 minute consult.

In some areas there will be GP out of hours’ services operating from centers which if it is not an emergency would be the preferred place to go for non life threatening conditions. These would be staffed by GPs who can issue prescriptions for real medicine not snake oil.

The last option should be A&E which should be just for emergencies examples being heart attacks, meningitis, strokes, appendicitis but socialized education in the UK means that A&E is nothing more than general practice with x-ray and best of all free prescriptions if needed in contrast to general practice where 10% of those who live in England would have to pay.

So while the Party may believe in the NHS market the great British public will use the true market forces of what can I get NOW and for FREE and just as they do when asked if their condition is an emergency they will lie and decree that anything they have is an emergency so you can guess where most people will end up.

We wrote this on Christmas Eve at the infamous Café Michelle pre Christmas going home resistance meeting (after 18.30hrs comrade NHS commissar managers when you would have been home for 6.5 hours) and decided not to post it but look at what the BBC have put as one of their lead stories on Boxing Day.

It is nice to know that those in charge leave it until Boxing Day to inform the masses about what to do for healthcare during a holiday. It is amazing that they also realize that the first working day back will be busy something that GPs especially those who will be on call have known for years. 

Praise be to the Party for ensuring that whenever there is a crisis the advanced planning by the thick who know nothing always means that the patients always get through to free healthcare even if it is not needed for while it is free there is no need not to use, or not to abuse it, whatever, whenever.

Après les vacances le déluge, quelle surprise!

Paracetamol 002.

Paracetamol is a cheap drug in the United Kingdom which is a painkiller. It is readily available for both adults and children at a host of pharmacies and other retail outlets across the UK.

However for GPs it is a huge waste of time.

Children in the United Kingdom are available free of charge after a couple of drunken grunts on a Saturday night and as a result of such productive activity usually unplanned but totally legal they then cost the NHS dear.

One of the commonest “emergency” appointments in Northernshire is the “I have just picked up Johnnie or Joanna Scrot from nursery . . .” and the relatively unqualified nursery nurse has said “they are not well”.

Mr or Ms Scrot fearing the loss of a day’s pay and the thought of actually having to look after the results of their drunken grunts a few years’s earlier always demand an urgent consult usually after 17.00hrs.

Urgent consult usually determines that there is nothing wrong with Scrot junior, despite what the highly qualified NVQ (= Not Very Qualified) educated nursery nurse ordained which was a “just see your GP for a check” urgent appointment.

You (I) can’t be too careful (I must cover my arse) appointment with a minor self limiting viral illness that requires no treatment or a non infectious rash which allows the Scrot’s offspring back into nursery (because they have seen a doctor and if you want a letter to say so because the NVQ asked for one forget it). 

The parting words to all these consultations are always the same: 

Can I have just some Calpol (paracetamol) as I just am running out? 

I have just run out.

I don’t have much left. 

I am just running low.

I just used the last bit left in the bottle this morning . . . 

GPs across the land by the end of such consults must be in tears as they rapidly print off an urgent resupply of vital life saving medicines for distraught parents and their offspring in pain but most will use their universal bull sh*t (sorry for the naughty grunt word) translation devices which translate the preceding universal lies into the following text::

it’s FREE and that was the real reason for the urgent consult. 

In contrast to the packet of fags in the parents’ breast pocket and the Smart phone in their pockets which always goes off at the start of the consult as Granny Scrot wants to know what has happened to precious Scrot junior. 

It was after all an emergency consult so Scrot junior should have been seen 10 minutes before their consult time according to Granny Scrot.

And don’t forget the Range Rover Sport’s keys left on the doctor’s desk which means a knock on the door as one starts to write ones notes when the parents realize they can’t get into their car to drive to the chemist to get their ill gotten freebie.

Smoking is legalized as child abuse in the UK but the non provision of paracetamol on a prescription for free in the UK would be regarded as medical negligence and a crime against humanity and a war crime if not provided free at the point of abuse as it has been since the inception of paracetamol. A packet of cigarettes or a Smart phone is more important to most parents than they purchasing a bottle of paracetamol just in case Scrot junior becomes ill when they can get this for free.

We suspect that if the provison of free paracetamol were stopped that these “urgent” consults would stop overnight in the same way that parents usually find fuel for their cars to purvey Scrot junior without the NHS, in the same way they can afford Smart phones without the NHS and in the same way they can also find fags without the NHS. But paying for something a fraction of the cost of the above three items is beyond the means of most parents in the UK when they can get it for free. 

And then at the end of these “emergency” consultations to suit lifestyle not illness GPs always wonder why NVQ determined criticially ill little Johannie and Joanna scrot haven’t kept still and have demolished the consulting room and why parents always say the same – they are never like this at home and were really poorly when we picked them up . . . 

Must be because they are not getting enough free paracetamol. 

Praise be to the Party for ensuring that parents always put the purchase of cigarettes, fuel, cars and Smart phones before the purchase of paracetamol (Calpol) and their children’s health but always place an emergency appointment for a paracetamol resupply at up to 20 times more than the true cost of the drug as a medical emergency.