It’s Christmas time there is no need to be afraid . . .

In the same way that punters rush out at the last minute to buy totally unnecessary presents so do patients go to the NHS for totally unnecessary consultations the just in case something happens over the 4 day Christmas holiday when the NHS is totally shut down and there is no healthcare provided anywhere in the United Kingdom as Jeremy truly believes.

So from Monday the 21^st until the 23^rd the free at the point of abuse it is an emergency I need to be be seen now wasters have been demanding emergency appointments. But for some reason on Christmas Eve despite ND Central fielding a full team providing only book on the day appointments most were empty. Could it be that no one was ill or could it be that patients had better things to do than waste NHS time like buy gallons of alcohol and stock up on lard rich food to consume all at once over the next few days of the Christmas healthcare siege?

Christmas Day may be quiet but the deluge will come in the subsequent days.

So here is a guide to where to get urgent healthcare over the holiday period for those like Jeremy who believe the NHS will be shut all hours.

The Party would ideally like you to “consult” a pharmacist because there is an apparent glut of these. They have no medical training but regard themselves as “clinical” and it is claimed that they will be able to advise and treat you if you believe Party propaganda. We believe they have a 50/50 chance of getting a correct diagnosis but they can always sell you a bottle of totally useless cough medicine for a chesty or mucus cough whatever that means at a price which will profit them but do nothing for you. 

The Party would encourage you to ring NHS 111, or NHS dumb, dumb,dumb as some would call them, which is again like “tossing” a political coin based on the reports we get back form them. The vast majority of these reports give only 2 outcomes which are see a GP within a randomly generated number of hours or we will send an urgent ambulance. 

You used to be able to ring your surgery and then would be put through to an out of hours GP deputizing service but this was replaced by NHS dumb, dumb, dumb call handlers with 6 weeks of training and a computer algorithm which in 20 minutes on the phone can come up with the wrong diagnosis slower than a GP can get the right one in a 2 minute consult.

In some areas there will be GP out of hours’ services operating from centers which if it is not an emergency would be the preferred place to go for non life threatening conditions. These would be staffed by GPs who can issue prescriptions for real medicine not snake oil.

The last option should be A&E which should be just for emergencies examples being heart attacks, meningitis, strokes, appendicitis but socialized education in the UK means that A&E is nothing more than general practice with x-ray and best of all free prescriptions if needed in contrast to general practice where 10% of those who live in England would have to pay.

So while the Party may believe in the NHS market the great British public will use the true market forces of what can I get NOW and for FREE and just as they do when asked if their condition is an emergency they will lie and decree that anything they have is an emergency so you can guess where most people will end up.

We wrote this on Christmas Eve at the infamous Café Michelle pre Christmas going home resistance meeting (after 18.30hrs comrade NHS commissar managers when you would have been home for 6.5 hours) and decided not to post it but look at what the BBC have put as one of their lead stories on Boxing Day.

It is nice to know that those in charge leave it until Boxing Day to inform the masses about what to do for healthcare during a holiday. It is amazing that they also realize that the first working day back will be busy something that GPs especially those who will be on call have known for years. 

Praise be to the Party for ensuring that whenever there is a crisis the advanced planning by the thick who know nothing always means that the patients always get through to free healthcare even if it is not needed for while it is free there is no need not to use, or not to abuse it, whatever, whenever.

Après les vacances le déluge, quelle surprise!