Sunday, 20 December 2015

Paracetamol 002.

Paracetamol is a cheap drug in the United Kingdom which is a painkiller. It is readily available for both adults and children at a host of pharmacies and other retail outlets across the UK.

However for GPs it is a huge waste of time.

Children in the United Kingdom are available free of charge after a couple of drunken grunts on a Saturday night and as a result of such productive activity usually unplanned but totally legal they then cost the NHS dear.

One of the commonest “emergency” appointments in Northernshire is the “I have just picked up Johnnie or Joanna Scrot from nursery . . .” and the relatively unqualified nursery nurse has said “they are not well”.

Mr or Ms Scrot fearing the loss of a day’s pay and the thought of actually having to look after the results of their drunken grunts a few years’s earlier always demand an urgent consult usually after 17.00hrs.

Urgent consult usually determines that there is nothing wrong with Scrot junior, despite what the highly qualified NVQ (= Not Very Qualified) educated nursery nurse ordained which was a “just see your GP for a check” urgent appointment.

You (I) can’t be too careful (I must cover my arse) appointment with a minor self limiting viral illness that requires no treatment or a non infectious rash which allows the Scrot’s offspring back into nursery (because they have seen a doctor and if you want a letter to say so because the NVQ asked for one forget it). 

The parting words to all these consultations are always the same: 

Can I have just some Calpol (paracetamol) as I just am running out? 
I have just run out.
I don’t have much left. 
I am just running low.
I just used the last bit left in the bottle this morning . . . 

GPs across the land by the end of such consults must be in tears as they rapidly print off an urgent resupply of vital life saving medicines for distraught parents and their offspring in pain but most will use their universal bull sh*t (sorry for the naughty grunt word) translation devices which translate the preceding universal lies into the following text::

it’s FREE and that was the real reason for the urgent consult. 

In contrast to the packet of fags in the parents’ breast pocket and the Smart phone in their pockets which always goes off at the start of the consult as Granny Scrot wants to know what has happened to precious Scrot junior. 

It was after all an emergency consult so Scrot junior should have been seen 10 minutes before their consult time according to Granny Scrot.

And don’t forget the Range Rover Sport’s keys left on the doctor’s desk which means a knock on the door as one starts to write ones notes when the parents realize they can’t get into their car to drive to the chemist to get their ill gotten freebie.

Smoking is legalized as child abuse in the UK but the non provision of paracetamol on a prescription for free in the UK would be regarded as medical negligence and a crime against humanity and a war crime if not provided free at the point of abuse as it has been since the inception of paracetamol. A packet of cigarettes or a Smart phone is more important to most parents than they purchasing a bottle of paracetamol just in case Scrot junior becomes ill when they can get this for free.

We suspect that if the provison of free paracetamol were stopped that these “urgent” consults would stop overnight in the same way that parents usually find fuel for their cars to purvey Scrot junior without the NHS, in the same way they can afford Smart phones without the NHS and in the same way they can also find fags without the NHS. But paying for something a fraction of the cost of the above three items is beyond the means of most parents in the UK when they can get it for free. 

And then at the end of these “emergency” consultations to suit lifestyle not illness GPs always wonder why NVQ determined criticially ill little Johannie and Joanna scrot haven’t kept still and have demolished the consulting room and why parents always say the same – they are never like this at home and were really poorly when we picked them up . . . 

Must be because they are not getting enough free paracetamol. 

Praise be to the Party for ensuring that parents always put the purchase of cigarettes, fuel, cars and Smart phones before the purchase of paracetamol (Calpol) and their children’s health but always place an emergency appointment for a paracetamol resupply at up to 20 times more than the true cost of the drug as a medical emergency.

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