Some More from the Front

Dear Mom,

The surge of swine flu has been relentless and we in the trenches are beginning to crack.

Today we had to prescribe for a five year old whose brother was so severely affected by the disease that within 4 hours of his first dose of Tamiflu he was better.

Unfortunately his brother, a year younger, could not have the liquid Tamiflu. Despite us being in the best prepared country in the world, of the one hundred and fifty rounds of Tamiflu delivered to our local TamDP, only one was in liquid form. That one round of liquid Tamiflu was reserved, like the last bullet, for the under ones.

Gulp, Ma that is hard to swallow.

Imagine my distress, at having to tell a 5 year old with a non life threatening illness, that despite his brother having the same non life threatening illness and surviving, despite treatment that made no difference, he too would have to have capsules broken up in order to save his life.

That was really hard Ma and the parents were disgusted even though the treatment you pay for is free here.

They were used to children in this Third world country called England, having any medicine they want as a liquid but we think they were selling the Tamiflu on the black market.

The War in Northernshire is tough. Beer is in short supply - we could only muster 24 pints a man for a Friday lunchtime educational meeting and then had to do a Friday surgery without pork scratchings. This war sucks Mom is really does. No Scratchings on Friday? What are the Brass doing?

It is heartbreaking Mom. We are seeing so many flu like illnesses that used to stay at home and get better on their own but now they ring us all the time. They just keep coming at us and don’t stop.

We have no phones (they are always engaged), no Tamiflu and most importantly no illness.

Still we are comforted in our trenches by the Gordonels and Donalols telling us that there is nothing to worry about as we are in the best prepared country in the worlds and the fact that soon huge call centres full of untrained soldiers with no medical knowledge will be on our side to defeat the evil non enemy called flu like illness.

Sorry Mom, my sergeant said as this letter will be censored, the evil swine flu disease.

We saw those poor raw recruits queuing to sign up for the call centers (or were they job centers?) and thought what are they letting themselves in for?

They will in 2 days have no training, let alone a basic medical degree or any medical experience and will be exposed to the pathetic worried well of the UK? They will not know how to shoot Tamiflu and so they will squander ammunition like a drunken soldier pees after 2 bottles of Jack Daniels. But rumour has it that there is so much duff Tamiflu that the Brass want shot of it any which way.

We are here in the trenches a little short of information so we hope the brass know what they are doing.

Hope you and the new born calves are well and Jim Bob is helping out? As he is 11 will he be joining the Flu centres? I hope so as ever little bit helps here in Northern Kansasshire in these hard times.

Your loving son,



Captain “Doc” Northern MD
US Flu Com (advanced recon patrol in the UK somewhere in Northernshire)