Tuesday, 1 March 2011

“The mushrooms will be sprouting” and still are based on a still firm nutritional grounding.

A couple of things at work made a few of us recall the scene from the film The Time Machine (1960) where the hero of H G Well’s book, which we fondly remember reading on a plane to sorties overseas, sees an older man saying to the hero “The mushrooms will be sprouting”.

In the context of the film the “mushrooms” were the atomic bombs that the older person in the film was trying to save Well’s time traveler hero from for he was from a few decades before when he would have had no knowledge of matters atomic.

Today we saw a “magic” mushroom of truly atomic proportions. Although the PCTs are hopefully in their death throes the PCT vermin (thanks Dr R) continue to produce so much horse manure that they are still producing monster “magic” mushrooms at an alarming rate.

In our in tray was a 40 page document which must have taken months to produce as some of it was in English and would have required a remedial English teacher employed as a PCT consultant to produce it in any readable form.

It was branded as being an e-learning module for anyone (retarded enough but) interested and was sitting in a pile of papers but on the front was a missive saying that ALL staff in the practice MUST sign to say that they had trodden in the nutrient rich source of this monster “magic” mushroom by reading it. This to a management and bureaucrat hating group of GPs was a red rag and demanded a speed read stat. What followed in this 40 page rainforest deforestation exercise was a classic example of PCT vermin producing monster quantities of management mushroom food.

The most interesting “high” of our consumption of this “magic” mushroom was the bit saying what the “risks” were of not ingesting this vermin excrement fuelled “magic” mushroom.

Now what do you think the risks were dear reader?A plague of locusts descending on all those not eating these “magic” mushrooms of superlative wisdom? All local infants being slaughtered in their beds as a result of no-one signing the PCT edict? All women under 25 with cholesterols of less than 2 developing boils and buboes if they did not take their Party prescribed statins and the most junior of clerks in the GPs surgery had not signed to say they had read the 40 pages of manure?

No the “risks” of not have eaten, sorry read the “magic” mushroom, were more dire than even these pestilences for the local Soviet would not have met Nanonano land target 97.a.307.11/4 (risk one), would not meet Prince Caspian’s Nania Loveland winter paradise target (risk 2) and Snow White might never wake up as another fairyland target would not be achieved (risk 3). All such “risks” were local Soviet management targets which meant nothing to us and all of which will have delivered no useful care whatsoever to any patient. However these were the perceived and dire “risks” apparent to the collective authorship of this “magic” mushroom.

All clearly patient centered metrics requiring the necessity that every member of our general practice staff, most of whom would not have to ever to deal with this problem, having to sign so that the worthless piece of PCT vermin producing the horse manure feeding this “magic” mushroom of rainforest deforestation that will benefit not one patient on our patch will enable someone who failed at everything at school to keep their job (for now).

Such institutionalized crap still continues to deny real healthcare to real patients while the self same crap continues to tick boxes and continues on licking something else and so more such “magic” mushrooms will continue to sprout as there is still an ample and rich food supply for them to continue to thrive.

The author, or rather the department for it would have taken more than one neurone to produce this “magic” mushroom (and a remedial English teacher to rite it 4 ‘em) should be amongst the first to be culled from the local Soviets on the grounds of crimes against healthcare. Any other GPs fancy a night of the long knives out to remove “magic” mushrooms like this from their lives by permanently cutting off their food supply?

And the subject of this learned 40 page “magic” mushroom?

Basic patient centered ambulatory, self propelled, self provided by one client group for the enhancement of another clients’ group usage, sustainable naturally produced, non industrialized responsibly sourced neonatal nutrition with added health benefits to all client groups involved via better nutrition and weight management gains positively controlled and influenced via a centrally provided world-class commissioned commissariat the vision of which is the result of client centralized management provision enabling superior purchaser produced information for providers and their contractors due to enhanced management capacity for all affected service users and client groups.

Praise be to the Party for it is as ever all wise and knowing. Why employ a midwife to help patients’ breastfeed when you can deforest a rainforest and insist that every practice member of staff signs to say they have read a rainforest of horse manure to produce a “magic” mushroom that delivers sweet FA patient care?

How did we manage without such skilled managers before? Just think about the “risks” they have saved us all from this time. Close call guys and thanks we will miss you.



Godfrey Bartlett said...

Part 2
Requirements (cont.)

All professional, clerical and ancillary staff who have contact with pregnant women and mothers will receive training in lactation support with reference to their professional group. Ancillary staff, including electricians, plumbers, catering and domestic staff should be aware of the policy and its implications for their area of work. Spot audits of their knowledge and practice of this policy, as commissioned by the Political Officer, will result in compulsory Re-Education Detention.

It is the responsibility of direct line managers to identify training needs with staff members, to ensure all professional and support staff in contact with pregnant women/mothers receive compulsory training in lactation and neonatal nutrition management, ensuring ongoing competence.

It is the responsibility of all GP Practice staff in contact with the lactating woman to ensure she is given help and encouragement to express her milk. During periods of one-to-one clinical contact time, a period of mother-baby separation may be necessary during which time the neonate should have access to alternative sources of natural sustainable nutrition. Efficiency gains can be achieved if this role is combined with existing staff positions, eg receptionist, cleaner or practice manager (subject to equality discrimation laws).

Monitoring Compliance with and Effectiveness of this Policy
:- Compliance to the policy is required by all relevant staff.
:- Any deviation from the policy will be reported to the Supreme Commissioner's Political Officer. Penalties will be severe and reduce the number of Political Compliance Gold Stars awarded. Failure to achieve the necessay Gold Star quota will prevent LI Accreditation status necessitating closure of the GP Practice and selling it to one of many well-known supermarket chains.
:- Compliance with the policy will be audited on an annual basis by the Political Officer. Auditing guidelines will be based on MidwivesNet Neonate-Friendly documentation.

No instruction on the preparation of artificial feeds will be given. Parents who wish to feed in an unnatural way will be advised to leave, and only come back when they had seen the error of their neonatal mortality advocacy.
Images of breastmilk substitutes, feeding bottles, teats or dummies will be strictly forbidden in any healthcare premises. The word "f*rmula" will be expunged from all records, documents and notations.

Standards/Key Performance Indicators:
Breastfeeding initiation- 20% annual increase - LDP
Quarterly spot-audit staff compliance check- 80% success rate
Lactation Services Liaison Committee- Meeting Frequency 28 pa, (70% attendance outcome)

Praise be to the Supreme Commissioner, for she is wise!

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