Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Summer in Northernshire

A yellow field in Northshire of buttercups in a fallow field not the usual oil seed rape.

We believe here at ND Central that it is now officially summer in the UK. Like all of the landed gentry we here in Northernshire have had the combined harvesters out to hack our humble 40,000 acre spreads at our own expense while watching our MPs struggle to employ people to hack their 200,000 acre spreads at our expense too.

The other great joy we have had is our weekly trip to the local pathology museum called the Supermarket. Here, just like with the seasons, the colours of our world changes. Gone now has the dour winter this seasons Northern “parka” look as it has been replaced by the “new” season of summer look.

Lots and lots of manky white flesh, bingo wings, pot bellies and wally shorts and sandals and flip flops of various guises topped off with hideous tattoos that may have looked good in the Falkland’s War but on a background of old wrinkled obese white flesh look positively awful now. Très cool? Non!

And that’s just the women in their summer finery the men are even worse. Sandels and socks anyone?

This season’s looks are reflected in these museums as are the different stages of the evolution of diseases soon to be seen by local doctors.

The initial white wrinkly flesh on limbs rarely used for anything athletic are followed by the lobster red wrinkly flesh that is associated with doing nothing for hours to get “healthy” and then the slightly brown bits with inflamed red are all on display illustrating how little work (or exercise) most people here in the ever, over affluent, Northernshire do out of doors.

Outdoor workers are easy to spot. Their tans are more even.

Furthermore disease spotters will see future disease coming in our local Pathology museums.

The stream of supermarket trolleys laden with a mere 8, or 9, 24 tin packs of lager and nothing else struggle on their way to large 4X4s some of whose owners will land up in A&E as a result of their hugely educated status as emergencies a few hours and boxes of lager later.

The trolleys being loaded up with ice cream and barbeque packs by mothers on mobiles shouting to their 6 year olds “Chantelle, gerrus another 20 packs of pork scratchings and some of them Sensations crisps as they rite nice and yer uncle Paul is coming to the barby so get us 200 Rothmans as well.”

Clearly public school education in Northernshire has resulted in a huge health promotion epidemic regarding summer excess.

We know what is coming this week.

Sunburn, food poisoning, infected insect bites and indigestion.

The great British summer in GP and A&E land.

We did say the local Pathology museum as another of Northern Doc’s laws is that:

“It is impossible for a GP to walk round a supermarket in the UK without hearing a conversation about someone’s health or how bad the health service is by the end of any supermarket trip”.

Tales of how people were “rushed” to hospital or they “Had to call a 999 paramedic for little Wayne’s cold but he were alrite”. Try it. You may have to listen while you are trying to be invisible in GP stealth mode going round a local supermarket.

It is always there every week at least once.

We, however, did not dress up to go to the supermarket in our shorts, or put our pot belly on we were there in our greens. No one questions this dress sense in Northernshire. We went out later to play which is where the photo came from. Anyone spot the ambush? We didn’t but we survived it due to training and got a tan with a hard earned sweat. It might save our lives and those of others later. Somewhere.

Some of our patients in the local Pathology museum will not. Alcohol indulgence, smoking, over exposure to sun and food will kill them.

Praise be to the Party for inventing summer. Roll on the “something for after the weekend” surgery. It will all be self inflicted. Just as we can’t cope well with winter we don’t do summer well either.

Especially in supermarkets.

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