Deans Bilious and Tedious have been a walking near San Demonsville in the Waitrosa hills and have discovered certain organic medicines called Port and Stilton (most excellent for all Dean dudes’ health).
As keen most excellent dude Dean scientists they wished to pursue these substances - purely for academic purposes only.
Some other dude Deans have tried Crystal MTAS which is well good gear as it screws up the lives of thousands of young enthusiastic junior doctors but we Deans think we can try better to improve things educational here in San Demonsville, Arizona and have come up with a great idea called Choose and Book, sorry man we must have over consumed on our new discoveries, and come up with the new E-Portfolio (excellent air guitar moment).
(Remember children drugs are bad for you and our respected Dean dudes here in San Demonsville do not condone illegal use of drugs. A most excellent public health message from our esteemed Dean dudes for the safety of our younger readers).
Our learned most excellent Dean dudes, Deans Billious and Tedious, present their most esteemed thoughts about this revolution in education and other new matters around current modern medical education.
Please remember dear readers these are the thoughts of our Dean dudes who almost went to military academies and so any hidden meanings are those in your heads not in our esteemed Deans’ heads as they are airheads, says Dean Tedious’s dad, Captain Logan, a respected Police Captain, who approves this message.
So read, and party on, fellow dude readers:
Dean Bilious: Excellent port Dean Tedious! Your thoughts thus far, my most excellent Dean dude friend?
Dean Tedious: Thanks Dean Bilious. I thought the port was a little immature, Stilton excellent but that aside I would ask does that now mean that every junior doctors’ personal and sexual details will be on the World Wide w**k, sorry web, this Stilton, is most excellently cool? Did you say it had an organic herbal origin or did it come from a cow?
Dean Bilious: Tedious you know that Stilton comes from the Waitrosa hills no where else, I think, as does Port which is short for Porto Tesconia which is where the name Port came from dude.
Well of course Tedious it is yet another great New Labour social experiment in sharing everyone’s personal information so you know it will be most excellently secure in the same way after Port and Stilton your fly is always secure!
Dean Tedious: Whoa Bilious! I am most awesomely impressed with the security of my fly so this is most excellent news!
Is it undone?
I have my Smartcard that ensures that my fly is always most excellently secure as I think I am the only one with a password to my fly apart from my wife, mistress, all my post grads, the under grads, the faculty admin staff all of whom love to read about my cases but this is academia and things intellectual should always be freely shared . . . as I do with my most excellently secure Smartcard.
After all, if you need a pee, you have to go then and now and sod the password.
What are we actually taking about Bilious? I think I went off on one there, dude?
Dean Bilious: Well Tedious, had you not been drinking so much Port, we were talking about the fact that your caring family GP, Doc Northern MD, has now been asked to do an E-Portfolio on their current junior doctors in training. But hey this looks a little dodgy?
Dean Tedious: Bilious I take offense!
Despite us taking Doc Northern out to a meeting that must have disabled most of the A&E, anaesthetic, nursing and training GP departments at the San Demonsville Community General Hospital for the Criminally Insane and Pensioners for an hour for a five minute training session by some dudes from a real military academy called a Deanery (snigger) this E-Portfolio will be a great Government time saver as no one in training will have to keep paper records ever again.
Dean Bilious: Not entirely Dean Tedious. You seem a little confused over this and the detail, more herb, sorry Port, dude to clear your mind?
Yes and not only do their trainers and themselves have to do everything electronically like NHS (re)Direct, Choose and (re)Bookit but because it is a Party excellent idea (air guitar moment) they also have to print off the same information on paper for their trainees (and referrals) as well.
Dean Tedious: Do they need a password?
Dean Billious: Yes, but we haven’t sent any of them out to increase security and avoid your fly security problem.
Dean Tedious: Most excellent logic fellow Dean dude we like security. I like electronic things too especially if they buzz or crackle or vibrate. Can I have another glass to clear my head?
So trainees now have to spend hours doing everything on line like porn and then, when they have finished, print off the pictures, sorry assessments, on paper as well? Excellent a double wa**y!
Dean Bilious: Tedious do not discuss our most awesome on line teaching seminars with our undergrads in public. At least spare paper has a use for wrapping up certain things when you are a fully qualified Dean and exploring the science of combustion!
Dean Tedious: Whey Bilious I hadn’t thought of that dude! What is combustion? I just thought we were just being Government stooges again Bilious?
Dean Bilious: Tedious I take offense as we, as true excellent (air guitar moment), academics are impartial and would like to be recognized for our most excellent bogus scientific work if I could only think if we had done some.
Now regarding over producing UK medical graduates what are you proposing to do with this?
Dean Tedious: Easy we don’t employ them!
We make them apply for jobs they don’t want! If they get a job offer they have to accept the job within 24 hours as they are automatically excluded from any other job application. Take it or leave it Doc dude! Excellent!
Dean Bilious: What happens then?
Dean Tedious: We still don’t employ them!
Dean Bilious: So how do we fill jobs?
Dean Tedious: Easy Bilious, we employ doctors as “service posts” from overseas who meet the bare minimum qualifications for any UK military academy, that is not the most excellent Sandhurst, and send our excellent well qualified graduates overseas so spending a fortune in training them to benefit less fortunate countries like Australia, Canada, New Zealand, Singapore . .
And the trainee Doctors dudes have mountains of debt that no current Dean dude here down in San Demonsville would ever have incurred when they were training.
Shaft them and leave them dude as you would at San Demonsville High when you were a hot pre Dean dude?
Dean Bilious: I wish Tedious. This makes most excellent sense Dean dude after this serious stuff, more port Tedious?
Over produce doctors here, don’t employ them and when jobs aren’t filled after a head full of Crystal MTAS employ doctors from overseas in dead end jobs?
Dean Tedious: Excellent you have it in one just like being a Dean dude! More port and Stilton?
Dean Bilious: Finally Dean Tedious what is the 360 degree feedback and why does it take 6 weeks to do? Doc Northern MD was asking about this and I did not know?
And I was, Tedious my dear dude friend, sober and not stoned, sorry under the influence of Stilton, with him as we were talking serious haemorrhoids and I was in a compromising position. He was, however, wearing a glove with gelo on it!
Dean Tedious: Woey Bilious that is certainly a most professional Dean dude thing to be engaging with your family physician about educational matters and I am pleased he used gelo and a glove. Are they back in now?
360 feedback is where you get a doctor to turn around and around several times like we do after some port and charge them a fortune to prove they are still most excellent doctor dudes.
Dean Bilious: Bit like the GMC fee?
Dean Tedious: Most excellent analogy Dean dude but I don’t know if it is tax deductable but like the substances we use it is probably good sh*t*. More Port and Stilton fellow Dean dude?
I tried to do it once and the password and log in details didn’t work so I think it must have been a 320 feedback. Another great electronic failure costing the country, or the Docs stupid enough to do it as part of appraisal, dear fellow dean dude. It is most excellently bogus. Did we have anything to do with appraisal?
Deans Tedious and Bilious (in unison): Thank you for watching. Be excellent to each other and your trainees and Party on Dean dudes.
We are doing a most triumphantly excellent good job, we think?
Catch you later fellow dude Deans and all our trainees at our next most excellent educational seminar.
Praise be to the Party and all its most excellent Dean dudes.
With thanks to our many previous students, F2 trainees and registrars whose individual experiences and sense of humour inspired this piece. It is based on what they have told us about their experiences after leaving us many of whom have left medicine or gone overseas to continue their training often in specialties that did not wish to do but any job is better than no job. Crystal MTAS ruins lives. Good luck to Remedy UK.
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