Trouble at t’pumps and politicians.

At lunchtime, after an early start, we ventured out from surgery to do a home visit but before attending to this acutely mobile patient with nothing wrong with them one of the team had to attend a supermarket to get some vitals. Clutching the list we did in the Ferrari ventured forth only to be met by queues akin to the Christmas Eve rush.

The queues were not at the checkouts but at the gasoline station and were actually stopping our patients from getting to their usual lard fix from the supermarket itself.

While traversing the vast Northernshire emptiness from a branch surgery to a local supermarket across the high moors and through the deeply wooded forests of Northernshire we had been listening to various radio stations belonging to the British Broadcasting Corporation usually called the BBC most notably the airplay of Radio 2 and 4.

While there was the usual Party spin of there is no problem comrade the media seemed to have stumbled across a load of Party dullards whose knowledge of what they were talking about was somewhat suspect regarding the fuel crisis and the journalists interviewing them were having a field day. For with each question they were asked the politicians dug themselves deeper into a pit of ignorance while the journalists piled more earth on top of the floundering politicians.

The bits we listened too and were were the news at 13.00 on Radio radio 4 (07.10 mins onwards), a phone in on BBC radio 2 and on channel 4 news here the piece de resistance from this program is here the interview with energy minister Charles Hendry.

The message was don’t panic stay calm but be prepared. Hmmm.

Anyone remember the flu pandemic a few years ago? It is almost deja vu. Still as GPs we still have our all protective anti flu masks and know how to sneeze into our elbows and so this alone will surely magic up some petrol when we most need it?

So comrade healthcare workers listen to your ministers. Fill up your Jerry cans (illegal due to the volumes of fuel in them), put them in your garages (only 22% of comrade workers have them presumably more will have stable blocks instead?) and rely on the fact that no minister will have a problem with a fuel shortage for we are all in this together.

So when you need more fuel for your Ferrari for a 300 round trip tomorrow you can rest assured that in the same queue for aviation grade 5 star extra leaded petrol (if you can remember this at the pumps you are old) you will see Marshall DC and Sam filling up their people carrier, just in case. They will of course not be panicking just being prepared.

Praise be to the Party for repeating the lessons of the flu pan(ic)demic and starting even earlier this time. When nothing is happening (no fuel drivers’ strike has been announced yet) panic the populus. It might make you feel good.

At least it gives you time to er think? Now where is the army? Afghanistan or Dewsbury?

A Present from the Party, the success of the Swine Flu line and Things can only get better 003

Another day at the front and we each had on our desks a gift from the local Party commissars. Our own personal flu protection mask this time with not just one set of filters (2 per mask) but 2 X 2 filters.

Clearly this will be a long campaign for front line doctors to be protected against the hazards of interior decorating namely paint spraying and sanding which these masks are designed to protect against but our staff just have to manage without any protection. The learned local commissars feel that nurses and receptionists do not need any protection.

You can see what these masks are designed to protect their wearer against in the following paragraph taken from this link look for the section regarding the filter 2138 the ones issued to us to see how it protects us against swine flu. In fact are any of the filters designed for swine flu?

Some more research on the effectiveness of the filters is found here.

This gives the following information about the supplied filters:

“The 2138 filter has been classified as a GP3 particulate filter, and is thus able to be used for protection from mechanically and/or thermally generated particulates i.e. it provides protection against dusts, mists, fumes & ozone as well as for toxic materials like beryllium. It is also suitable for use against low vapour pressure chemicals (V.P. <1.3 Pa or 0.01 mm Hg at 25 deg C) up to ten times the Exposure Standard and also offers relief from nuisance* levels of organic vapours and acid gases such as chlorine & sulphur dioxide.

NOTE: The 3M™ Disc Filter 2138 provides GP3 protection only with full facepiece
respirator. Provides GP2 protection with half facepiece respirator.”

You will see that a lot of thought has gone into supplying us with filters that specifically stop the transmission of the flu virus as outlined above. At £ 15.00 + a mask and filters on top clearly public money well spent on something that offers no apparent protection against viral particles but scares patients.

The commissars are clearly worried as they realise even though they have their own masks and Tamiflu they cannot run the health service when even minor illness strikes. Clearly there is fear and panic in issuing these masks to personnel less important than themselves as this goes against Party policy of GPs = under worked overpaid scum on golf course.

The NHS Flu Pandemic line has been a great success that demonstrates the years of planning (panic) that has gone into the best prepared country in the worlds planning for this crisis.

Sir Liam was on G(ormless) M(oron) TV saying that the best prepared country’s plans had only estimated 25,000 calls per day not the 9.3 million calls (estimated) in the first hour. A mere miscalculation of some 2 orders of magnitude which I am sure is allowed for in emergency planning in the same way that inches versus centimetres helps land Mars missions successfully.

Add to that a late start and it is all coming together that the UK is the best prepared country in the world for swine flu. We are so well prepared that we have to export ill patients to Sweden for life saving treatment.

Today we have had patients who have dutifully followed the Party’s advice to ring NHS Swine Flu (Porky Pie) line only to be unable to understand their operatives English. “They speak too fast” and “I can’t understand them” were comments relayed to us. So where do they go?

To their GP.

Another patient was given a Tamiflu prescription authorisation code but the chemist did not recognize it so where did the patient go?

To their GP to get a correctly written prescription.

Another success in relieving GP workload. Yes less phone calls but more work sorting out problems generated by the Flu Line which is so different to other great Party successes like NHS reDirect.

Patients from a nearby town were forced to travel 20 miles to get their prescription as they were given a code that was only valid at a Tamiflu distribution point (TamDP) 20 miles from where they lived.

We thought this was just local to us but it was on the evening local news from a region far south of us that other places in Northernshire had the same problem. See this link.

You will notice in this link how the flu buddy aka the patient is sent to collect the Tamiflu in person to minimise the risk to the admin staff now issuing and dispensing drugs. Clearly another sign of the plan's success in action.

The official way of getting Tamiflu in the far south of Northenshire we found here and in case you think the TamDPs are secret as per the clip try this link to find yours.

No contradictory advice here then?

Clearly the best prepared country in the world?

Like the lager, probably not in the slightest.

Also we have predicted the black market for Tamiflu. There is a rumour going round that a delivery truck to a TamDP was knocked off and the only drug taken was the magical Tamiflu.

And we are being told not to panic by none other than the new health minister himself. Seems that there may be a slightly critical report about the flu preparation coming this week. Surely this cannot be a problem for the Government of the best prepared country in the world? Probably a lot of problems given how we and other bloggers have seen this preparation in action.

Praise be to the Party and their prudent panicking, sorry planning.