Saturday, 23 May 2009

A rare consultation in Northernshire

Cannot believe our luck here in Northernshire. A patient came for a routine prescription check and mentioned their weight.

As any doctor knows weight is like MPs’ expense fiddles it is no one’s fault least of all the fiddler. They do after all not play the fiddle it just happens to them. The fact that doing everything right means they get fat(ter).

The usual line is “I cannot lose weight and it is going up . . .” but, wait for it, the triple is a coming:

1) I don’t eat anything (and you are fat?)

2) I always eat healthily (and you are fat?)

3) I am always on the go (and you are fat?)

“You’ve got to do something . . .”

Lets think about this and apply it to your car:

1) I don’t put any petrol in my car (and the tank is always full and gets fuller every day?)

2) I always put top quality petrol into my car (and the tank is always full and gets fuller every day?)

3) I always drive my car at 190mph all the time (and the tank is always full and gets fuller every day?).

Clearly there is never ever going to be an energy crisis if you believe obese patients as for some reason the usual laws of thermodynamics do not apply to them but do to their cars.

OK. Any doctor or nurse who hasn’t heard this is clearly someone who does not see patients. Look at our Chief Nursing Officer who I am sure will abide by all the rules re healthy eating and inactivity to maintain her lithe svelte figure.

Northern Doc’s Law of Nurse workload is that the “weight of a nurse is inversely proportional to work done”. Our medical students recognize this fundamental law instantly.

Returning to our consultation it was the fact that from the patient for the first time in years we heard them say “I know I am a bit overweight but I am eating less and doing more exercise and I have lost 5lbs”.

The bold text, if put together, gives the mysterious secret of how to lose weight in 4 words a secret known only to a select few here in Northernshire one of whom was this patient who proved it works.

Praise be to the Party for sending a flu leaflet to every home. Obesity could claim more lives over a longer period but what are they doing?

Fiddling while the Nation gets fatter as do their expenses.

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