NHS Rangers lead the way - the War on MRSA #6.

Listen up soldier here is another piece of medical (not) excellence to share with the world. The NHS Ranger Corps has been so busy with the swine flu pandemic that they have produced a booklet.

This, however, soldier has not distracted them from their ongoing war on MRSA.

Beat MRSA by getting GP practices to sign up to a “Clean Your Hands” campaign. Click a mouse to sign up to display a few posters and get the sucker GPs to buy loads of Grog (this blog post 2 Dec 2008 for more on Grog) at their expense and install Grog dispensers and hey MRSA in the community wiped out overnight.

Of course the Thickerazzi that thought of this forget that 60% of man and 40% of women do not wash their hands after going to the toilet or wash their hands after nose picking which are well known Party approved MRSA free zones.

However, the Public do put their hands on door handles in surgeries, shake their GPs and nurses hands, allow their children to trash surgeries and play with toys, touch screens to announce their presence, cough splutter, pee, sh*t and shoot up in GP and A&E toilets all of which are MRSA free zones like the patients themselves.

By focusing the attention of the staff on washing their hand with “spot inspections” and “hand washing audits” this will hopefully distract the public away from:

hospital overcrowding'

no isolation facilities,

no hands on nursing care,

hotbedding (the process where a patient dies and the next patient goes straight into the same bed without proper cleaning to avoid trolley waits),

a huge shortage of beds

and all the other factors that actually spread MRSA and other diseases.

During several recent attendances at outpatient clinics and hospital wards we have only ever seen one person called a visitor use the Grog dispenser so showing that the Public are not the source of MRSA which we know as only doctors and nurses carry it as they are the only ones who use the bottles of Grog.

Lead on NHS Rangers!

MRSA cured by NHS managers who live in the real world where if tea is late by 10 minutes it is an EMERGENCY.

However, if the mouse has been clicked, and all the boxes ticked, all is well in the world of the elite NHS Ranger Corp. Clean Your Hands will save the world (when all the boxes are ticked).

Praise be to the Party and its elite Ranger Corps.

What will they “think” of next . . . ?

NHS Rangers leading the way - the War on MRSA #5

Our source from a centre of intellectual excellence (not) tells us that all the new modern Matrons at their local hospital barracks were involved in an important new anti MRSA offensive called b*ll*cking staff leaving the hospital in their uniforms.

Why?

How does this stop MRSA getting into the hospital?

Staff may wear their uniforms with pride but more likely are wearing them because they are not provided with any secure areas where they can change and if they want a clean uniform the next day they have to take them home and wash them themselves. If they rely on the communal hospital laundry it will give them a uniform 2-3 sizes bigger or smaller than they are and certainly not less than 2 weeks after it is handed in for cleaning. Staff used to be provided with coats to cover up uniforms but due to costs this has stopped.

So the elite of the NHS Ranger corps, the Modern Matron, is deployed as a surprise tactic to prevent MRSA creeping into the secure MRSA free zones called hospitals.

Post these elite Rangers outside the building and MRSA will not dare cross the new Maginot line of Modern Matrons. The Maginot line tactic was used successfully by the French against the Germans in World War 2 and any public school boy knows the power of Matron on middle aged or elderly politicians’ fantasies. It therefore cannot fail.

Rangers lead on. Victory by the clipboard carriers is ours for the taking!

Praise be to the Party for Modern Matrons who are leading the way on the war against MRSA by avoiding any patient contact as they lurk outside the hospital and care for patients there. Perhaps the best place for them?

NHS Rangers lead the Way Confidentialiy #2 -> 20 years on.

Fast forward 20 years to another galaxy closer to Northernshire. A good mate of ND invited ND down South to show how you could see X-rays, CT scans and MRI scans taken at the local hospital on a GPs’ desktop computer. Given the far North where ND works and distances involved this was a wonderful invention and could be of so much use until ND asked was it available to all?

ND was disappointed to hear that a few pilot practices had got this system with obvious benefits e.g. GPs seeing fractures on patients requesting home visits after A&E attendances that had been missed by more junior A&E Drs and even incorrect radiology reports being corrected because of the ability of a local GP to actually see x-rays with the patient at the same time.

ND’s former comrade at arms told him how a patient had seen them and as a result he had saved the local Politburo a few grand because the x-ray report was wrong from the radiologist but ND’s friend had years of experience at looking at this type of x-ray and so correctly treated the patient purely because of the ability to see the incorrectly reported x-ray and the patient at the same time. If he had relied on the type written report several tens of thousands of pounds of compensation would ultimately have been paid out.

(Aside: in medicine the ideal is that you see the patient and the x-ray together. In some of Northernshire patients were sent for x-ray by their GPs and the reports came back from overseas some 3 months later due to a shortage of radiologists in the UK. Another reason why this could be useful but we digress dear reader.)

However the good comrade commissar idiot managers at the local Politburo had decided to restrict its roll out to further practices while encouraging and forcing the use of Choose and Book, Connecting for Health and Summary Care Records against the wishes of local GPs and most informed patients.

The reason?

“Patient confidentiality”.

Déjà vu or what?

The local Politburo felt that a roll out of the ability of a few 10s of local GPs to see a few 10s of thousands of patients’ X-rays from the local hospital serving a 100,000 patients would breach “patient confidentiality” while the roll out of the ability to see 60 million records by over a million unaccountable users would not.

NHS Rangers lead the way onto victory.

Praise be to the Party for they see what ND and other GPs cannot. Patient confidentiality. And they don’t treat patients.

NHS Rangers lead the Way Confidentiality #1

ND has for as long as ND can remember been aware of the duty of confidentiality with regard to patients’ medical information. It was drummed into ND from basic training onwards. Indeed ND and the team have often been accosted by a patient’s friends/family/employers’ when they find out from the patient that ND or the team have been giving the patient sick notes sometimes for years which the patient’s friends/family/employers’ have not appreciated.

NDs’ team did not tell their patients’ friends of this relationship the patient did. The Team knows what confidentiality is, how valued it is by patients and that it is a keystone of good ethical medical practice.

However, NHS managers and the Party have a different view on this issue.

They want all of the population to give their medical data, without consent to the Party, but as a responsible Party they are not prepared to do the same with their medical information. Certain senior Party comrades will not have their medical details on the system as they enjoy the Blair option (for they are Holy and divine) unlike the people that they serve and enjoy the all Pigs are equal option of opt in or else but some Pigs, as they are Holy, may opt out.

Many, many light years ago in a galaxy far, far away ND was a junior grunt. While toiling in the small hours mindlessly but conscientiously labeling small bottles with patients’ names, ranks and serial numbers ND noticed in the faint light provided by the hurricane lights that there was a computer and a printer by the side of ND that could print labels faster than ND could write them. To label all the samples required for a sick patient with meningitis would take ND 20 minutes but, if labels were printed, this labeling process would take less than 5 minutes so speeding up the diagnostic and treatment process.

So ND did ask of the seniors why, during daylight hours, were labels printed off by the ward clerks, but at night this did not happen?

(Hint: clerks work 9-5 grunts work all hours). They did not know and suggested several people that ND could speak to about having access to printing labels at night a seemingly simple task.

ND, feeling supported in this matter, did follow the leads for 2 months rising higher and higher into the intellectual black hole known as Management with each level saying “I don’t know sounds like a good idea I will ask the next level” up until he eventually reached the high point the Manager person dude who could explain the inefficient use of resources (capital purchase of expensive technology used only one third of daylight hours but available for 24 hours with a limited life expectancy, use of lowly paid junior staff to write labels, delays in patient diagnosis due to inefficient use of doctors time and skills, ward clerks employed for a mere 8 hours a day).

ND had reached the summit and hoped that ND would see into the chosen land and be able in matter of seconds to print off enough labels to avoid nights of 20 minutes of handwriting while dealing with seriously ill patients.

Did ND achieve this simple task of access to a hospital’s computer system out of hours?

No.

ND did not.

The reason?

“You cannot print sticky labels at night because it is a breach of patient confidentiality.” (Crawl back into your hole worm and use your pen).

“So clerks can print labels with the same information on them as grunts can write and that does not endanger ‘confidentiality’ ”. (Yes worm)

NHS Rangers protecting your confidentiality from doctors but not from managers and the Party (and speeding up your child’s treatment by delaying prompt diagnostic tests while a junior grunt handwrites labels next to an idle printer).

Remember, where were the managers and ward clerks when grunts were handwriting labels next to idle printers and your child was ill?

In bed, thinking, and protecting patient confidentiality as they always do 24/7.

Rangers lead the way.

Praise be to the Party.

NHS Rangers lead the way - the War on MRSA #4

Another great idea that the NHS Rangers have come up with is that if MRSA cannot see patients it cannot fly through the air to infect them (all NHS Rangers know about the stealth flying mode of NHS MRSA transmission as it guides all their policies). The NHS Rangers corps has therefore copied another tactic from the military to prevent MRSA being able to see patients called the smoke screen.

This simple technique is being employed at the front line of all NHS hospitals nationwide. Furthermore it is a free service and a credit to the British people as any foreigner who enters a NHS hospital has to cross this defensive line before gaining access (to free healthcare) and to the MRSA free ward area that lurk behind this NHS smokescreen.

As well as the defensive smoke screen the NHS Rangers, mindful of the environment impact of discarded smoke grenades, utilize the dog ends that are so full of carcinogens that the MRSA on the hands of smokers will never be trampled into the hospital on their feet and so the “smoke screen” tactic helps defeat MRSA in a pincer manoeuvre so beloved of NHS modern matrons while eating chocolate eclairs.

Furthermore in addition to adopting an outside in approach to defeating MRSA the Party also utilize an inside out approach and engage, at no cost to themselves, the patients who are free of MRSA to contribute to this hugely successful smoke screen.

NHS Rangers lead the way.

NHS Rangers lead the Way # 3 MRSA to be defeated in Scotland

In the far North of Northernshire there is a minor province that thinks it is a country. It has the right to determine certain aspects of its own fate and also the god given right to screw up the rest of the UK’s fate as its MPs are allowed to vote on English issues but the reverse does not apply. It has also given us Gord the Holy (beyond all others than Mugabe) a fine product of their limited education system.

While out driving ND did hear that staff in this minor province are to face the sack for not washing their hands.

Praise be to the Party for this. We now know that Scotland will be free of hospital acquired infection for the Party there have realized that the only source of hospital acquired infection is the staff. Not the patients or their bowels or their skin. Not their clothing or their coughs or noses or faeces or urine. Not the visitors and anything brought in from outside. No the root cause of ALL hospital infection is the staff.

This is clearly the state of knowledge at both Party Central UK and Party Central Scotland.

Given that 60% of men and 40% of women do not wash their hands after going to the toilet then sacking staff for not washing their hands will surely rid hospitals of all infection. Remember that all of those non handwashers will touch a door handle or something else while visiting a hospital that you as a patient or visitor may then touch. You will have nothing to fear from these people as they are free from disease it is only hospital staff that carry disease.

According to the BBC, whom some do regard as a Party organ, a spokesman for the Scottish Health Secretary said “The Scottish Government is to introduce a “zero tolerance” regime on hand hygiene for hospital staff in January”.

Does that mean that Scotland will be the first place in the United Kingdom to ban hand washing completely?

The link is hereif you are interested:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/7794479.stm

Once again the NHS Ranger Corps (Scotland) show us how to lead onto victory. By concentrating on the minor skirmishes which will achieve nothing bar a sound bite they miss what should be the main thrust on the war on hospital acquired infections, the root cause – themselves and their policies.

Praise be to the Northern Rangers.

NHS Rangers lead the Way - the War on MRSA #2

Another great tactic in the war on MRSA is copied from the Royal Navy but applied in disguise.

Grog was a mixture of rum and water issued on a daily basis to the Royal Navy for many years in order to improve sailors’ health and wellbeing.

For some unknown reason for centuries NHS staff have never washed their hands especially those who walk from the dissecting rooms and into the New Labour ward and so in an effort to encourage them to do so the NHS Ranger corps has placed Grog bottles at the bottom of every bed and at the entrances to wards and even attached them to nursing staff in devices called hip flasks.

This contains an alcoholic mixture of up to 20 % by volume which some patients find a very good source of free alcohol especially if you can get a 350ml bottle. Patients do not see the hygiene advantages of Grog but due to a trick of hospital fluorescent light will often see the 3 bottles of Grog on the left as something else (the 3 bottles on the right) in the above picture.

Grog is often placed in dispensers at the entrance to wards called optics (pictured bottom left) commonly seen behind bars in pubs (pictured bottom right for non UK readers) where the public avidly approach them to obtain relief from their worldly worries but in hospitals they are frequently ignored by visitors or empty due to theft as they do not look the same as the ones in pubs.

Grog - winning the war on MRSA and a lot more expensive than soap and water and hand washing.

Lead on NHS Rangers.

PS if you see the 3 bottles on the left the same as the ones on the right you may need help so please ring NHS Direct for urgent assistance but they cannot provide Grog (or medical care).

A public health message for our reader from the NHS Ranger corps.

NHS Rangers leading the way - the War on MRSA #1.

NothernDoc starts with this earth sh*ttering idea from one of the most renown leading “teaching hospitals foundation trusts” in Northshire.

To stop MRSA it is simple . . . .

Get your staff, all 3000 of them, to sign for the fact that “they can wash their hands”.

Brilliant Simple Cheap Ineffective almost scientific who needs Einstein just a Modern Matron, a few managers and an infection control committee.

Imagine if as a consultant surgeon (old school of training) you have done 5 years of medical school, a year as a house officer, up to 4 years as a senior house officer, 4 years as a registrar, 4 years as a senior registrar possibly a post graduate degree as well as passing the Fellow College of Royal Surgeons (FRCS) exam and oh yes during this minimum of 18 years of training you might just have had to scrub up at least once to go into an operating theatre on the odd occasion.

What a brilliant idea! MRSA cured in a stroke.

Some more pieces of revolutionary health care coming soon in the NHS management drive for more paper not patient initiatives (paper is after all cheaper than patients):

I can wipe my own bottom
I can do my own bra strap/fly up
I can print X for my signature
I can flush a toilet

5 simple cheap ideas at 3000 pieces of paper per idea = MRSA defeated with 30 reams of paper in one Trust alone.

Rangers lead on to victory.